When A Man And Woman Love Each Other VERY Much…And Have A Hall Pass

(A conversation via text…)

Me: Is today the day you’re at the Phoenix Open?

Ryan: I wish…still in the office, otherwise known as Super Bowl Central.  I’m saving my media pass for the Open for Sunday.

Me: If if makes you feel better, the only passes I get at work are restroom passes, and they’re not even for me.

Ryan: Luckily all of my reporters can use the restroom by themselves, so I don’t need those.

Me: See, I have to make sure my kids ARE using the restrooms BY THEMSELVES.

Ryan: In theory, what would happen if they caught two kids doing it in the bathroom?  Could they fire you?

Me: No, they’d just make me keep the resulting babies.

Ryan: I’d rather be fired.

Me: Word.

 

Ready…Aim…FIRED!

(Yes, I text my teenager on her lunch hour to bitch about OTHER teenagers.)

Me: I’m subbing on my prep for the Drafting teacher, and I’m watching this girl flirt with the boy across from her by pretending to be stupid to get his attention.

Caolinn: Ugh.  Idiot.

Me: I want to throw markers at her.

Caolinn: Please do.  Throw red ones, they’re more alarming and make sure to take the caps off first.

Me: And as I do, I’ll scream, “NOT. ON. MY. WATCH.”

Caolinn: They can’t fire you…you’re just teaching her.

Sure, He’s Hot, But He Uses “Vintage” For His Dick Pics.

Seamus: (Reading from his phone.) “This study claims that men who take lots of selfies are generally crazy.”

Me: “Ruh roh…having some self-reflection?”

Seamus: “Apparently, men who post them unaltered have poor impulse control and have a higher incidence of being psychopaths, but men who edit them and add filters before posting are just plain old narcissists.  I always edit.”

Me: “So, the only thing keeping you from being a fucking serial killer…is a sepia filter.”

Seamus: “I better keep editing my photos.”

Me: “You better stop eating your neighbors.”