I Know, Guys…I Suck, But Tomorrow, I Might Suck AND Be Rich

Yeah, yeah, yeah…I’ve been slacking with the writing, but I’m going to defend myself and say that I’ve been tied up with Christmas, getting back to work, and my ex-husband holding my children for ransom.  True story.

Anyhoo, one of you, and you know who you are, emailed me, asking if I’d secretly won the lottery and had taken off for parts unknown.  Another of you emailed asking if I was “Seriously dead or just sitting in an asylum and haven’t earned internet privileges, yet”.  I think we can all agree that the second option is far more likely.

Regardless…if any of the following things happen, you’ll know who won the Powerball.

1. A huge animal rescue opens, called “Megan’s Big Bitches (and boy dogs, too)”.
2. Sully gets to have his balls back.  Don’t ask how…it’s just going to happen.
3. Underwires?  Now unbreakable.  You’re welcome.
4. Tina Fey is on a lifetime retainer to do this, every time one of my children fails to follow a direction already given fifteen times.
   
5. My new legal name: “Thelonious McWhiskeydick”.
6. An army of drones will follow Donald Trump to all public events, dropping piles of dildos on him.
7. Unicorns become an actual fucking thing.
8. Ryan is now at the helm of a privately owned newspaper, whose only purpose is to campaign for increased teacher salaries and talk about how sexually inadequate all my exes were.
9. This blog starts delivering chocolate bars, Willy Wonka style.
   

   Let’s be honest…this movie was an episode of Criminal Minds with chocolate.

   10. Oprah Winfrey names me one of her new favorite things.

The Most Important Relationship You Can Have Is With Yourself…Unless You Can Be Friends With Oprah…Always Choose Oprah…

First week back, folks…first week back.

(While prepping them to write a friendly letter to themselves, about what three New Year’s Resolutions they’d like to take for 2015.)

Me: “Before you start, I want you to jot down three resolutions that you’re going to include in the body of your letter. Remember, two things you want to change…one thing you want to learn. Would any of you like to share one of your ideas?  I’ll start with one of mine…I’m going to read at least twenty-three books before school ends in May.”

D’Avonte: “Twenty-three books!?”

Me: “One for every week between now and summer.”

D’Avonte: “That’s crazy.”

Me: “Well, what did you put?”

D’Avonte: “Keep bein’ fierce, become famous, and get myself a man.”

Me: “I need you to pick two things you’re going to CHANGE, and one thing you want to learn.  What do you want to learn?”

D’Avonte: “If I tell you what I want to learn, you’re going to write me a referral.”

Me: (sigh) “Then I suggest you think of something that WON’T get you a referral.”

D’Avonte: (rolling eyes) “Fiiiiiine, ‘learn to drive’.”

Me: “Thank you, sweetie.”  (walking away)

D’Avonte: (under her breath) “Like that’s more important than learning to be better in bed.”