At Least The Secret Service Uses Lube…Because They Care

 

Me: Do you think the NSA reads our conversations?

Ryan: They do if they’re tired of tracking ISIS. Yup, we’ve typed ISIS…now they’re totally listening.

Me: Maybe if we’re lucky they’ll chime in on our debate over page 55 of The Joy of Sex, and add their two cents about the merits of armpit licking.

Ryan: I’m sure any fucking the federal government does, occurs in a “very uncomfortable place”.

Me: Especially the IRS.  They’re the WORST.  No foreplay at all.

Ryan: The IRS won’t even buy you dinner.  They make you foot the bill, and THEN tell you it’s not a business deduction.

Me: What would be the WORST government agency to have sex with?

Ryan: CDC…for obvious reasons.

 

 

***For my non-American friends…  NSA-National Security Administration, IRS-Internal Revenue Service (read: taxes), CDC-Centers for Disease Control

 

Body Cavity Search, Please…Party Of Six

Drew: Hey, have a safe flight.

Me: Thanks!  Just cleared TSA in record time.

Drew: Were you worried?

Me: Deep down, I’m always afraid that somehow I will get myself on the no-fly list.

Drew: How?  By telling dick jokes on the internet?

Me: Probably.

Drew: That’s not why they’re going to keep you off a plane…trust me…there are reasons.

Me: Why do YOU think?

Drew: Three adolescent children, a divorcee, and two grandparents?  Honey, that’s the definition of ‘terror cell’.  (shudder)

 

**Friends…Loved Ones…Lovers, I am, officially, on vacation, and I will only have enough cell coverage to randomly send posts that I typed BEFORE I got on the cruise (I’m even writing this from the dock…because I’m dedicated and shit), so I won’t be able to respond to comments until I get off (Ha!  Get off!  Get it…because it’s…nevermind).  Good news…I’m sure we’re having an AWESOME time…bad news…you’ll be listening to cruise-related bullshit posts, related to my family, for the next month.  I apologize in advance.  **