I Heart You, New York. Why? Because, Like New York, My Heartbeat Is Irregular

Well, there goes today’s plan, Manhattan.

So, friends, I have escaped the confines of a Phoenix summer for a few spare moments, and I’m in my favorite place on Earth.  Now, because we come every couple of years, the kids have already seen the major attractions, and we’re now able to focus on the subtleties of the city.  Unfortunately, that’s how my mother managed to convince me to go to The Whitney Museum.  Now, before you label me a Philistine, let me point out that I love art.  I spent great deal of time in college studying art history, just for pleasure.  That having been said…I fucking hate the modern era.  There are some beautiful contemporary pieces and talented artists, but by my estimation, easily 50% of modern art is complete shit that somebody threw together because they were pissed at their parents.

Case in point…

Keep staring at this…it doesn’t get more interesting.

I’m not sure what makes me the most angry about this…that someone got away with selling it…that the Whitney is showing it…or that for five minutes, I watched some pretentious asshole telling his female companion about the “genius of the brush strokes”.

I call this one “My Personal Hell”.

Sooooo….is the art part that you took the effort to hit up some Goodwill stores, or that you can build a lit Lucite box?

 

This isn’t art…this is what happens when a mother finally gets tired of all the fucking stuffed animals collecting dust in her house, and snaps.  $20 says that this is what happened after some poor mom in the suburbs had her monthly Bunco night canceled, and she was left alone with three kids, a bottle of vodka, and a whole bunch of rage.

Please, I can find this in any rough high school in America.

I thought the museum janitor had gotten lazy.  But no.

If the artist has ever seen an actual vagina…then that woman needs to be referred to a health care provider IMMEDIATELY.

 

I call this one, “Tripping Hazard”.

This is what I want to do to someone, every time that I get invited to one of those fucking Partylite parties.

And the coup de grace…  Every year, I have my students do an IDENTICAL activity about who they are.  And every year, one kid TRIES to put a dick on his body form, and every year I tell that kid to cut the shit and take it off.  Somewhere in America…this kid’s teacher is shaking her head.

Now, this…this is art…why? Because a sassy dead rabbit who can protest, speak French, and be slightly existential?  That’s a whole bunch of alright in my book.

 

 

Does A McMcerson Take A Shit In The Woods?

Xavier: “When can we go camping?”

Me: “Honey, mommy was raised by New Yorkers…even if we had a motor home, we’d need Bear Grylls to survive it.”

Xavier: “I know how to make a fire.”

Me: “I know how to make a reservation at a cabin in the woods.”

Xavier: “It’s not the same.”

Me: “Yes, but my way has a toilet.”

 

***Later that day, discussing this issue with my friend, John…

 

John: “Who in the hell is going to teach those boys to build a camp fire and kill small animals?”

Me: “Wow, you just described camping AND the warning signs of a future serial killer.”

John: “I’m not a serial killer. I think you have to kill more than five to be labeled a serial killer.”

Me: “Depends…were they all hookers or drifters?”

John: “I’ve already said too much.”

Amazon…An Evil Corporation Bent On Ending The Human Race Through Sexual Indifference

Don’t forget the Alamo…or its basement bike rack.

Friends, when I think of all the romantic places in America, I think about a carriage ride in Central Park ……Napa Valley at The Crush…Washington DC when the cherry blossoms bloom.  These places scream of long, slow, wet kisses; room-service-fueled hotel romps, and over-the-shirt, second-base gropings in the shadows of national monuments.  These places are, for lack of a better term, sexy as fuck.

So, why is it, that with all these amazing places to choose from, the geniuses over at Amazon came up with this list of America’s 20 most romantic cities…based on which cities ordered the highest number of romantic titles, as well as “sexual wellness” products?

Now…readers, for those of you who have ever actually touched the genitals of another living, breathing human being, I’m sure you can see the flaw in their algorithm.  Quite simply, people who are rife with cock-getting…don’t need to buy a prosthetic dick, nor are they watching Rom-Coms by the dozen, while buying every novel printed, that features a spunky virgin being deflowered by a troubled space pirate who is also secretly the Duke of Fucksby.

Seriously, Amazon…who the fuck came up with this theorem of yours?  The IT department?  Those guys only get laid on World of Warcraft, and even then, only if they pretend to be chicks.

But, let us forget for a moment, shall we, that New York and San Francisco, and all of those other amazing places didn’t make their list of romance.  Let us, please, take a look at who DID make the cut.

Holy…fucking…hell.  You have GOT to be kidding me, here, Amazon.

Now, guys, I’ll give you Seattle and Vancouver, because that broody, rainy, “What-if-Edward-Cullen-was-real” crap plays well with a lot of women, and I’ll even give you Miami, because it does lead the United States in oily nudity.  And Vegas?  Fiiine…I’ll even give you Vegas, even though most sexual encounters in Vegas are either purchased or took place in a drunken blackout.  But, goddamn Pittsburgh!?  That’s not even the sexiest place in the Allegheny.  Murfreesboro, Tenn?  That MIGHT be the sexiest place to fuck your least-favorite sister.  MIGHT BE.  And Round Rock, Texas?  I’ve actually been to Round Rock, Texas, and I’m frankly surprised you’re getting any business there at all, being that the only three local establishments are a porn emporium, a strip club, and a place that sells 5lb doughnuts.  You’d THINK they’d have it covered, already, but I guess not.

Frankly, the amount of blog space that it would take for me to dissect the insanity of this list, would make WordPress shut me down for wasted bandwidth, but I would be remiss if I didn’t address your #1 selection, San Antonio.  Now, I love San Antonio…truly, I do.  It’s a great town, but no one is going to mistake the San Antonio Riverwalk for a stroll along the Seine.  Oh, what’s that over there?  A sweet little Parisian cafe, where we can kiss passionately between glasses of Chateau du Coq Noir?  No…it’s a fucking Hooters.  And who is that mysterious man?  A brooding writer who will make passionate love to you, after seducing you with his prose?  No…it’s an 18-year-old private, celebrating his first weekend pass from basic training with a fake ID and a pocketful of military-issued prophylactics.  Again, I love San Antonio, but tortillas aren’t crepes, and Dick’s Last Resort isn’t Le Moulin Rouge.  Seriously, the last man that “went down” in that town was Davy Crockett.

So, dear friends, I beg of you…what are YOUR most romantic cities, American or otherwise?  And if you say, Murfreesboro, please, do us all a favor, and give your sister my kindest regards.

I was contacted by a gentleman recently, with whom I will never be sleeping…

He sent me an email, promising to “sweep you off your little feet”.  Clearly…he’s never seen the boats I’m walking on…  The following is his dating profile…

I’M ITALIAN! I AM AN AFFECTION, PASSIONATE, ROMANTIC ITALIAN. I AM TOLD I AM A TRUE ROMANTIC, I AM A PASSIONATE LOVER. I KNOW HOW TO TOUCH A WOMAN IN EVERY WAY. WE COULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AND TAKE IT FROM THERE. WE COULD HAVE A CAPPUCCINO OR A GLASS OF WINE AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. I AM VERY DOWN TO EARTH…EASY GOING…I AM THE LAST CHIVALRY GUY! I’M VERY CHARMING! I ALSO DO SOMETHING THEY DON’T DO ANYMORE THESE DAYS! YOU WILL SEE WHEN WE MEET!

WHOEVER I’M WITH, I COMPLIMENT HER ON HER STYLE, HER HAIR, HER MAKE-UP!

WHO KNOWS MAYBE WE CAN BE GREAT FRIENDS AND MAYBE MORE. I AM A GREAT LISTENER. I HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCE.
IF I LIKE WHAT I SEE, I WILL TELL YOU! I’D TAKE YOU BY YOUR LITTLE HAND EVERYWHERE WITH ME. I’D BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOU IN PUBLIC AND IN PRIVATE. I’D WHISPER LITTLE NOTHINGS TO YOU IN YOUR LITTLE EAR!
I’M LOOKING FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND IF THE RIGHT GIRL COMES ALONG, THEN WONDERFUL!

I AM A NEW YORK YANKEES AND NY GIANTS FAN. I ALSO LIKE AND THE NY KNICKS!

PERHAPS WE COULD JUST BE GOOD FRIENDS TO GO OUTD DO THINGS TOGETHER! I WILL BE A GREAT FRIEND TO YOU! I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NM T LISTENER! I THINK EVERE NEEDS GOOD FRIENDS IN THEIR LIFE!

I’d love to hear from you!

I’d totally marry him and have lots of sex and babies, but he’s a fucking Yankees fan.  I can’t have that shit in my house…it’s wrong.