The Most Important Relationship You Can Have Is With Yourself…Unless You Can Be Friends With Oprah…Always Choose Oprah…

First week back, folks…first week back.

(While prepping them to write a friendly letter to themselves, about what three New Year’s Resolutions they’d like to take for 2015.)

Me: “Before you start, I want you to jot down three resolutions that you’re going to include in the body of your letter. Remember, two things you want to change…one thing you want to learn. Would any of you like to share one of your ideas?  I’ll start with one of mine…I’m going to read at least twenty-three books before school ends in May.”

D’Avonte: “Twenty-three books!?”

Me: “One for every week between now and summer.”

D’Avonte: “That’s crazy.”

Me: “Well, what did you put?”

D’Avonte: “Keep bein’ fierce, become famous, and get myself a man.”

Me: “I need you to pick two things you’re going to CHANGE, and one thing you want to learn.  What do you want to learn?”

D’Avonte: “If I tell you what I want to learn, you’re going to write me a referral.”

Me: (sigh) “Then I suggest you think of something that WON’T get you a referral.”

D’Avonte: (rolling eyes) “Fiiiiiine, ‘learn to drive’.”

Me: “Thank you, sweetie.”  (walking away)

D’Avonte: (under her breath) “Like that’s more important than learning to be better in bed.”

2013…You’ve Been A Sweet, Sultry Tart Of A Year

This Has Nothing At All To Do With This Post, But I’ve Been Meaning To Use It For Ages…So…There You Go…Try And Wipe The Image Of Scooby Beating Off From Your Memory, Where It Will Haunt You Forever. You’re Welcome.

Friends…Lovers…People who just stumbled on this, and have NO idea why they made such a horrific mistake, and who are now rethinking doing so after reading this incredibly long intro…

I want to thank you for your support and readership these last six months. They’ve meant the world to me, and I appreciate the fact that you’ve not only tolerated, but maybe even appreciated my nonsensical rambling about parenting, inappropriate use of texting technology, panda genocide, and pubic waxing. We here at fisticuffsandshenanigans (meaning me and my dog…who has no idea I’m including him in this, but I own his ass, so he’s in, whether or not he wants to be), hope that you have the happiest of happy New Years, and that all your dreams come true in 2014 (your good dreams…you know…the ones where you get to fuck Jake Gyllenhaal, and not the shitty dreams where you fall off of buildings…and come to think of it, if all of your dreams come true…Gyllenhaal is going to be one slutty whore, so, please…use a condom).

If you get a second, we’ve made some changes (we being the dog and I again…he’s better at programming than I am, sadly), and we’d love your feedback on the new look. Unless of course you hate the new look, in which case, the dog says you can go screw yourself…he’s a mean bastard.

Wet Kisses And Dry Reach-Arounds!

-Meg and Sully.