Before you read this and wonder why I’m doing reading drills with high schoolers, my students all have some intellectual or learning needs, and I teach a reading group for kids with pretty significant issues with written language.
Me: “Okay, break this word down for me. First me, then together. Sh-e-ll”
Everyone: “Sh-e-ll Shhhelll. Shell.”
Me: “Break it down. First me, then together. Ch-i-ll.”
Ramon: “Chill! Like Netflix and chill! That’s how babies get made, Miss M, and this ain’t science.”
Me: My mother is watching some BBC period drama on Netflix. The giggling and whining about dowries is killllling me.
Ryan: Have you even seen The Quiet Man? That’s my kind of take on dowries. Beer and fighting, just like God and the Irish intended.
Me: Well, I come with my own Waterford and a paid-off college education, if that does it for you.
Ryan: I have a box of my grandmother’s china and a baseball signed by the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates.
Me: I can’t resist a good baseball, especially when it’s been handled by pirates.
Ryan: Generally, I’m against letting pirates touch my balls.
Me: It’s the hook-hand, isn’t it?
Ryan: It is now.
(As we all sit in our underwear, watching Netflix.)
Xavier: “Mom, what’s the best kind of movie?”
Me: (sappy voice) “The kind I watch with youuuuuuuu.”
Xavier: “No. Comedies.”
Liam: “Way to miss the point, Xavier. Good luck dating.”
(Yet another text conversation gone wrong.)
Ryan: There’s nothing like the smell of spring practice. The dead grass…the ridiculous parental expectations.
Me: Has any one talked, yet, about the time they “went to state”?
Ryan: Fortunately, those parents are all at Pop Warner. There actually aren’t that many parents here. It’s quiet. Too quiet…
Me: Ruh Roh. That’s how it always is right before someone trips over what they think is a helmet, and it turns out to be a severed human head.
Ryan: Megan…
Me: Yes…
Ryan: Stop binge watching Bones. Immediately.
Student: “Miss McMcerson, you’re the best teacher.”
Me: “It’s because I know how to stream Netflix to a Smartboard, isn’t it?”
Student: “Yeah, but also because you don’t strangle us like my last teacher.”
Me: “Ummm.”
Student: “He was better at basketball than you, though.”
Me: “Well, I can’t be the best at everything.”
Student: “True.”
(A text conversation with a fellow redhead.)
Kimberly: “I would like you to know that I have been in a shittastic mood all day because of some lunatic, but you made me laugh, and now instead of plotting her murder, I’m only planning non-lethal bodily harm.”
Me: “Ha! Orange looks like shit on our kind. Don’t do it.”
Kimberly: “It really does. I look like a big tomato.”
Me: “If we were wearing orange, we couldn’t even get angry prison sex.”
Kimberly: “If I wind up in tent city, that pink is equally unflattering. Maybe I can convince them to give me a nice Army green to bring out my eyes.”
Me: “Bahhhh ha ha ha! You want prison sex!”
Kimberly: “Hey, I’ve had the same dick for 13 years. Bitch needs a little variety.”
*And in all seriousness, and because it’s SORT OF on topic…if you haven’t subscribed to Netflix to watch Orange Is the New Black…do it immediately. It’s friggin’ fantastic. And, if you’re already there, watch House of Cards, too. It’s like West Wing, but they can say the C-word, Kevin Spacey is super deliciously evil, and mid-season, there is an “adult” scene that is seriously a millimeter from actual pornography. Unless you’re offended by that sort of thing, in which case, I can’t believe you read this blog.
**And in no seriousness whatsoever, but it’s still sort of on-topic…I think that “Felonious Vagina” would make an awesome band name.
In a text conversation with my teenaged daughter, from the other room…while she watches Dr. Who on Netflix.
C: Ugh, that moment when Dr. Who is saving a group of people, and there is a smart*** in the group and you’re waiting for them to die, cuz you know they’re gonna go first…
Me: LOL
C: You better watch yourself smart***, you’ve made four remarks…if you make five, you’re dead. Them’s the rules.
Me: There is something wrong with you, but I love you.
C: I know, Love you, too. HE MADE FIVE! HE’S GONNA DIE!
Me: Aren’t you tired, yet?
C: No. SEVEN! He’s made seven comments, and he’s not dead yet! NOOOO! They killed the sweet guy instead, what are they doing! Don’t they know how this works!? He better have a horrible death, or Imma be pissed!
Me: I suggest that you write a strongly worded letter.
C: Oh…I will, and it will involve clever word play, so the message REALLY gets across. I’m not having this.
Me: What season is this episode?
C: Second.
Me: And what season is that show currently on?
C: Oh…yeah…I see what you did there. Damn it.
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 