Now, I Want A Cupcake. Okay, I Wanted One Before Then, Too.


Me: Urban Cookie has the new fall flavors out! You need to try the caramel apple, it’s AMAZING.

Ryan: Everything they make is amazing. They kick Sprinkles’ ass.

Me: Sprinkles is a stupid name, anyway. It’s a name for the world’s shittiest pony.

Ryan: I think my daughter had that My Little Pony.

Me: Was its Cutie Mark a dick?

Ryan: If it was, I’d buy twelve of them.

Me: As long as I get one of them.

Ryan: Fine. Thirteen.

If She Offers To Vaccuum, I’m Demanding Urinalysis

(Clearly this was written before we left for our cruise…)
While responding to my query of why she was so interested in babysitting her brothers.

Me: “What are you up to?”

Caolinn: “I’m not ‘up to’ anything. Hey, there are kids who are getting pregnant and doing drugs. All I’m doing is, like, watching My Little Pony on Netflix.”
Me: “How is that better?”
Caolinn: “Pega-sister for life, man!!!”
Me: (horrified look) “Maybe you should reconsider the drugs.”

Pony From Hell



Caolinn: “What’s your pony name?”

Me: “My what?”

Caolinn: “Your My Little Pony name. It’s supposed to reflect who you are.”

Me: “Well, then I have one seriously twisted pony.”

Caolinn: “I bet it has a REALLY long, complicated name.”

Me: “I bet you can’t say it in mixed company.”

Caolinn: “I bet its cutie mark is a skull and crossbones.”

Me: “I bet it’s a pony that would stick you.”

Caolinn: “I don’t think you understand My Little Pony.”