Now, I Want A Cupcake. Okay, I Wanted One Before Then, Too.

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Me: Urban Cookie has the new fall flavors out! You need to try the caramel apple, it’s AMAZING.

Ryan: Everything they make is amazing. They kick Sprinkles’ ass.

Me: Sprinkles is a stupid name, anyway. It’s a name for the world’s shittiest pony.

Ryan: I think my daughter had that My Little Pony.

Me: Was its Cutie Mark a dick?

Ryan: If it was, I’d buy twelve of them.

Me: As long as I get one of them.

Ryan: Fine. Thirteen.

If She Offers To Vaccuum, I’m Demanding Urinalysis

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(Clearly this was written before we left for our cruise…)
While responding to my query of why she was so interested in babysitting her brothers.

Me: “What are you up to?”

Caolinn: “I’m not ‘up to’ anything. Hey, there are kids who are getting pregnant and doing drugs. All I’m doing is, like, watching My Little Pony on Netflix.”
Me: “How is that better?”
Caolinn: “Pega-sister for life, man!!!”
Me: (horrified look) “Maybe you should reconsider the drugs.”

Pony From Hell

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Caolinn: “What’s your pony name?”

Me: “My what?”

Caolinn: “Your My Little Pony name. It’s supposed to reflect who you are.”

Me: “Well, then I have one seriously twisted pony.”

Caolinn: “I bet it has a REALLY long, complicated name.”

Me: “I bet you can’t say it in mixed company.”

Caolinn: “I bet its cutie mark is a skull and crossbones.”

Me: “I bet it’s a pony that would stick you.”

Caolinn: “I don’t think you understand My Little Pony.”