I Think It’s Safe To Say I Won’t Be Vicariously Attending Prom



(A series of texts during the Spring Formal I was chaperoning last night.)

Ryan: Did you bring your ruler, so you can measure if there’s room for the Holy Spirit?

Me: If I sent you pictures of the way these girls were dressed, you’d send Morgan to a convent before she hits puberty.  I need a yard stick.

Ryan: What is your exact job at this thing, if they’re letting them in half-naked?

Me: It seems to be me walking around, using a flashlight as a method of birth control.

(Thirty minutes later.)


Me: Goddammit! I was right in the middle of the throng, and a fucking Beyonce song came on…

Ryan: That’s going to be the weirdest Worker’s Comp claim in the history of man.

Me: So…much…flailing…

(An hour later…)

Me: We should have made a High School Dance Bingo card for this thing.

Ryan: Has their been an awkward dance battle, yet?

Me: Check. And now two guys have their ties tied around their head.

Ryan: That’s a corner piece. You’re one girl crying in the corner, from a Bingo.

(five minutes later)

Me; BINGO!!!

Ryan: Congrats. The prize is that you have to call her mother.

Me: Fuck!

I Know…I Shouldn’t Be Feeding This Behavior.



Whence your 16-year-old texts you from class…

Caolinn: Can I get my belly button pierced next winter?  Pleeeeeease?

Me: Shouldn’t you be in class?  WTH is going on at that school?

Caolinn: I’m in choir.  It’s a joke class.

Me: Well, I think we’ve established why you have a B.

Caolinn: She’s literally spelling out choir terms.  She just spelled singing.  Would you be mad if I jumped out a second story window to get out of this, because she just spelled ‘choir’?

Me: They’re your legs, but I’m not wiping your ass for you, so take that into consideration.

Caolinn: She just spelled ‘soprano’.  WTF!?

Me: Mark my words…’alto’ is next.  Wait for it.

Caolinn: Winner!

Me: I think we can agree that no one is winning in this scenario.

Caolinn: Truth.

At Least He Knows His Music


To give some background, Liam has the world’s worst math teacher, whose failed grading policy was offensive to me both as a parent AND a teacher.  Seriously, if I tried to explain it to you, your head would explode, but suffice to say, because of her “system” 80% of her students were failing her class.  I had a meeting with the entire admin and grade level, where I laid out the stupidity of the policy, and now…amazingly…my kid is passing math.  *eye roll*

Ryan: “How’s Liam’s math grade?”

Me: “Well, he’s mysteriously gone from an 55% to an 89%.”

Ryan: “Does he seem happier in the class?”

Me: “I think the ship has sailed.  He doesn’t say anything, but that kid can hold a grudge.  I think he hates her.”

Ryan: “How can you tell?”

Me: “He hums Carmina Burana when he does his math homework.”

Ryan: “Yup.  He hates her.”

This Is Why People Write ‘Bitch’ On My Desks


(With my students, while they do independent research in the computer lab.)

Ramon: “Can I listen to music on Spotify with my headphones while I work?”

Me: “Only if I get to choose the music.”

Ramon: (pause) “Nevermind.”

Just My Presence Takes The Cool Out Of Ice



Ryan and I came of age in the 80’s-90’s, and both have an deep affection for West Coast rap from that era, despite being a pair of pasty, middle-class dorks with zero street cred. We’ve been trying to find a time to see Straight Outta Compton for two weeks, with no success, but THIS WEEKEND…it will finally happen, thus this conversation.

Me: Movie and dinner?  Hardcore couch makeout, after?

Ryan: Tomorrow, yes? Are we finally going to see our movie?

Me: 👉🏻👌🏻👮🏻

Ryan: Did you just emoji NWA?

Me: Yes, yes, I did.

Ryan: *slow clap*

Going To Hell? ROOMIES!?


Proof that heaven is even more badass, now.

(A text conversation…)

Me: I’m in the waiting room for the kid’s doctor…  First, they were playing Michael Bolton, and now it’s Patrick Swayze’s She’s Like the Wind.  Now, *I* need a friggin’ doctor.

Ryan: Patrick Swayze should never sing.

Me: Well, yeah…especially now that he’s dead.

Ryan: Oooooo….

Me: Too soon?

Ryan: No, too soon would be changing the words to, ‘He’s In the Wind”.

Me: My turn.  Ooooooooooo..

The Sexual Reference Wasn’t As Alarming As The Fad



It all started with them singing Gangham Style…and then the dog, Sully, walked by…

Liam: “Oh….sexy Sully…”

Xavier: “Oppan doggy style.”

Me: (laughing) “Oh Jesus God, don’t say that.”

Liam and Xavier: “Why?”

Me: “It’s a sexual thing…just don’t say it.”

Xavier: “Well, that explains why I got yelled at for saying it in computers.”

I Don’t Think INS Accepts Lipstick Stamps On Your Passport



Caolinn: “Do you know who Jason Derulo is?”

Me: “Yup.”

Caolinn: “Did you know that he had to literally put his entire career on hold for like a year, because he broke his neck?  That’s so sad.”

Me: “Caol…let’s not romanticize this too much..his comeback song is ‘Talk Dirty To Me’, and his follow up song is about a woman wiggling her ass.  This is hardly a tale of spiritual redemption.”

Caolinn: “He’s also engaged to Jordin Sparks.”

Me: “Wasn’t she notorious for wearing a purity ring and waiting for marriage?”

Caolinn: “Yup.”

Me: “Well…guess that ship sailed.”

Well, Honey…Gaydar Wasn’t Available On The Open Market Until 1994.


  From the radio…”And now you tell me that you’re having my baby…I’ll tell you that I’m happy if you want me to…

Caolinn: “Isn’t this George Michael?  What year was this recorded, and who did he think he was kidding?”