Some Parents Don’t Deserve Their Kids

As some of you know, in all my infinite spare time, I do some volunteer work for LGBT youth.  I hadn’t been able to see this one kid in awhile, who was really struggling, because his parents are traditional, old-school Mormons, and he was deeply closeted, and he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t hurt him or throw him out.

Me: “Heyyyyy!!! I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you!?”

Brayden: (cringing) “Good and bad…I came out to my mom.”

Me: “WHAT!? Oh, wow, are you okay?”

Brayden: “Well, I’m apparently a ‘disappointment’ and a ‘failure’.”

Me: “Arrrrrrrgh, I’m so sorry. But no violence, right? And you’re still living at home?”

Brayden: “Yeah, but I’m grounded.”

Me: “You’re grounded…for being gay.”

Brayden: “Pretty much.”

Me: “What are you grounded from?”

Brayden: “Dick? I’m pretty sure, I’m grounded from dick.”

As I Wear Flippity Flops…

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For the record, the child is walking the campus in 6″ heels all day…and if you’re not familiar with my blog, the child is a 6’3″, self-identified, drag queen, who comes to high school, dressed for the Milan runway.

D’Avonte: “My feet are killing me.”

Me: (Looking at her feet) “No shit.”

D’Avonte: “Jealous?”

Me: “Every single day of my life, my love, every single day of my life.”

Ask Your Doctor If Your Heart Is Healthy Enough For Sexual Activity

Matthew: Did I tell you that BJ had a heart attack?

Me: No!  Is he okay?

Matthew: Dude almost dies two weeks ago, and then he posts that he had THIS for lunch.

Me: Yeah, that is NOT on the heart patient menu.

Matthew: This is the equivalent of saying, “I just got rid of my syphilis, time to rawdog some hoes!”

Me: I’m pretty sure, after a heart attack, they advise against rawdogging hoes, as well.