I Am Not A Doctor…And I Didn’t Even Play One Behind Tony Spinnutto’s Swingset

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Me: “What did the doctor say?”

Jen: “Well, now they’ve added another drug, also NOT on my insurance, to try and thicken my lining, and then I have to go in for an ultrasound to see if it worked, so they will know IF they can even think about doing the IVF cycle.”

Me: “How many meds are you on, now?”

Jen: “Five.”

Me: “Hey, I don’t want to claim to be a doctor, but I’ve heard of this drug that you can take, all by itself, that’s super cheap, and if you take it, you’ll be pregnant, like…constantly.”

Jen: “You’re talking about meth, aren’t you?”

Me: “Have you ever met a meth head with fewer than five kids?”

Jen: “God, it’s true.”

Me: “I’m not convinced it’s not a fertility drug they lost control of.”

Jen: “Maybe it’s not the meth, but all the hooking they do to GET the meth.”

Me: “Well, there’s another option for you.”

Jen: “You’re never babysitting.”

That Gentleman Has Seen His Last Trailer Park

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The following was texted to me by a friend who was driving through one of the most gang-infested areas of the city…you know…where I used to work.  🙂

Leslie: Oh, my, God!  I was just driving through Maryvale, and I saw a white guy on a bicycle, waving a Confederate flag, screaming about ‘Mexicans and n——s’.

Me: It’s the new alternative to pulling a gun on a cop.  I call that move, “Suicide by Redneck.”

Leslie: Gotta work better than all the meth he was smoking.

Me: Trust me, that hillbilly has drunk his last Big Gulp.  Right now, his carcass is already being eaten by a pack of stray pit bulls and one really badass chihuahua.

Leslie: I hope they don’t choke on all the bullets.