Everything Hurts, And I’m Dying.

Ryan: How was your day, today?

Me: Well…I got to ride in the back of a police car, which is about as disgusting as you would think it is.

Ryan: Your life of crime finally caught up with you?

Me: Me, the campus cop, and the Dean of Discipline were chasing a kid who ran away from campus.

Ryan: Did you catch him?

Me: Ten staff members, five private vehicles, three police cars, four miles, and 90 minutes later…yes.

Ryan: Are you ever tempted to just let them run?

Me: After today, if I had it my way, we would stand on the curb, waving, as he takes off.

Ryan: Let him run!  BE FREE!

Me: “Find your bliss, Motherfucker!”

It Probably Wouldn’t Look Good If I Tried To Sell A 15-Year-Old Girl On Craig’s List, Would It?

Me: “Why isn’t this remote working?”  (shakes it)

Caolinn: “It’s because it’s old…like you.”

Me: (glare) “Watch it.”

Caolinn: “Watch what?  Your hair turn gray?”

Me: “I’m going to shave you when you sleep.”

Caolinn: “You can’t…you’re like 280 in dog years, so you need your rest.”

Me: “Keep digging that grave.”

Caolinn: “Which one?”  (smirks)