Please, Whatever You Do…Don’t Ask Him How Much A Candy Bar Cost in 1952



(Ironically, my father complains when my daughter texts all the way to school…if only he knew.)

Caolinn: Grandpa’s been complaining about a 20 cent increase in the price of a McMuffin for ten minutes.  Please send a rope.

Me: Snort

Caolinn: “It’s a twenty percent increase!  That’s INSANE!”

Me:That’s fabulous.

Caolinn: Glad you think so, because guess who’s gonna be late to school because of breakfast sandwich inflation?

Me: I’ll call the attendance office.

Caolinn: God, I can’t wait to hear that one.  “Reason for tardy? Depression-era sandwich rage.”

Hemlock and Laxatives…Here We Come


(Getting back in the car.)

Me: “You totally drank some of my iced tea, didn’t you?”

Caolinn: “I did it in front of you, before you got out of the car.”

Me: “I hate when you do that.  You know I don’t like people drinking from my drink.”

Caolinn: “Would you prefer that I did it behind your back?”

Me: “I’d prefer that you didn’t drink my stuff at all.”

Caolinn: “Well…I think we both know that’s not going to happen.”

Mother Theresa, I Am Not



Every week, when I pick my daughter up from a class downtown, there are lots of homeless in the area, so, tonight, I bought a bag of burgers to give to someone.

Me: “We’ve been driving around for 30 minutes…and we’ve seen no one.  Where is everybody?”

Caolinn: “Maybe they’ve solved the homeless problem since last week.”

Me: “Doubtful…our state is too busy oppressing the gays.”

Caolinn: “Well, how about that guy?”

Me: “Um…no, he’s coming out of Urban Bean…he’s not homeless, he’s a hipster.  It’s hard to tell them apart sometimes, but a $5 cup of coffee suggests that you have a home to go to.”

Caolinn: “Maybe, when we do finally find someone, it will really be someone magical in disguise, and they’ll reward us for our kindness.”

Me: “What, like a friggin’ genie?  Do you think that we’re getting wishes, here?  We’re trying to be nice and FAILING at it.”

Caolinn: “Not a genie…maybe like Jesus, and he’ll let us go straight to heaven like Mary without really dying.”

Me: “Um…that’s nice, but I have unfinished business here on Earth.”

Caolinn: “Fine, maybe not heaven…maybe he’ll just make us immortal.”

Me: “Let me get this straight…you think that in order to reward us for a bag of McDoubles…Jesus is going to turn us into vampires.”

Caolinn: “Well, it’d be cool.”

Me: “We need to go back to church.”