Linney: Dude. Are you ready for me to be online dating? This gem arrived this morning.
Me: W. T. Actual. Fuck.
Linney: Hefty. It’s got…heft.
Me: Better than ‘girthy’?
Linney: Yes. Or ‘pencil thin’.
Me: ‘Slim-dicked wrestler seeks soul mate.’
He sent me an email, promising to “sweep you off your little feet”. Clearly…he’s never seen the boats I’m walking on… The following is his dating profile…
I’M ITALIAN! I AM AN AFFECTION, PASSIONATE, ROMANTIC ITALIAN. I AM TOLD I AM A TRUE ROMANTIC, I AM A PASSIONATE LOVER. I KNOW HOW TO TOUCH A WOMAN IN EVERY WAY. WE COULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AND TAKE IT FROM THERE. WE COULD HAVE A CAPPUCCINO OR A GLASS OF WINE AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. I AM VERY DOWN TO EARTH…EASY GOING…I AM THE LAST CHIVALRY GUY! I’M VERY CHARMING! I ALSO DO SOMETHING THEY DON’T DO ANYMORE THESE DAYS! YOU WILL SEE WHEN WE MEET!
WHOEVER I’M WITH, I COMPLIMENT HER ON HER STYLE, HER HAIR, HER MAKE-UP!
WHO KNOWS MAYBE WE CAN BE GREAT FRIENDS AND MAYBE MORE. I AM A GREAT LISTENER. I HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCE.
IF I LIKE WHAT I SEE, I WILL TELL YOU! I’D TAKE YOU BY YOUR LITTLE HAND EVERYWHERE WITH ME. I’D BE AFFECTIONATE WITH YOU IN PUBLIC AND IN PRIVATE. I’D WHISPER LITTLE NOTHINGS TO YOU IN YOUR LITTLE EAR!
I’M LOOKING FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND IF THE RIGHT GIRL COMES ALONG, THEN WONDERFUL!
I AM A NEW YORK YANKEES AND NY GIANTS FAN. I ALSO LIKE AND THE NY KNICKS!
PERHAPS WE COULD JUST BE GOOD FRIENDS TO GO OUTD DO THINGS TOGETHER! I WILL BE A GREAT FRIEND TO YOU! I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NM T LISTENER! I THINK EVERE NEEDS GOOD FRIENDS IN THEIR LIFE!
I’d love to hear from you!
I’d totally marry him and have lots of sex and babies, but he’s a fucking Yankees fan. I can’t have that shit in my house…it’s wrong.
Open Letter To Men of the Online Dating World,
Hi. I know that we don’t know each other, and I think that, once you’ve read this, you’ll agree that this is probably for the best, but I feel compelled to help you out. It’s about your pictures. They’re awful…seriously, and we ladies are rolling our eyes at you, and as you know, it’s REALLY hard to go from eye rolling to coitus. I’ve compiled a list of photo crimes that you may or may not have committed, and you can take my advice or leave it. It’s up to you, but remember eye rolling rarely gets you a blowie.
1. Pictures of you with random hot waitresses or liquor-marketing girls. This picture does not make us think that you’re so cool, that you commune with hot chicks. It does make us realize that you have an equally loser friend with a camera phone, and that you have no trouble exploiting a girl making minimum. Sadly, we also realize that this picture is probably in your personal spank bank.
2. Pictures with children that aren’t yours. Yes, I know…ladies love a man who loves kids, however, multiple pictures of you playing with or holding someone else’s kids comes off just a weeeee bit creepy. Yes, we realize they probably belong to your friends or siblings, but in the back of my mind, I wonder, does he love kids…or does he LOVE kids?
3. Men who wear t-shirts by any of the following makers are douchebags…no exceptions: Ed Hardy, Affliction, Tap Out, or anything at all that features angel’s wings. I thought we all knew this, no? Sir, you’ve missed a VERY important memo…no one likes them…just STOP.
4. Bronzing…enough said.
5. Bathroom mirror photos. I feel as though this has been beaten to DEATH, and yet, 50% of you still feel compelled to post these. At least half of them…shirtless. Seriously… Put. The shirt. Back. On. At this point, we will even accept a shirt from rule #3, if it means you stop doing this.
6. Pictures with your ex in which her face is blacked out, or you’ve just cropped her. Worse…posting pictures that were blatantly taken at your own wedding. Great you can commit…for a while.
7. Pictures of you with what you perceive as a nice car. Sir, you have a small penis…and now we ALL know. Thanks for the warning.
8. Pictures of your tats. Awesome. You are a hepatitis risk, bad with money, and you think that your awesome tribal tattoo sets you apart from the herd. There’s a reason they’re called tribals…it’s because you belong to a douchebag tribe.
9. If you have eight pictures, and in at least six of them, you’re holding a drink or are visibly drunk…we know you’re an alcoholic. Double bonus if you claim to only be a casual drinker in your profile. By casual, you clearly are referring to the fact that you get drunk while wearing man sandals (mandals!) and cargo shorts.
10. A series of pictures in which you are never smiling. Either you are a depressive bastard, or you have Steve Buscemi’s teeth (he wants them back, by the way). Worse, if you talk about loving to laugh or being light-hearted in your profile, while we look at pictures that look like the ones CNN will show of you, after you’ve killed an elderly neighbor with a hammer.
11. Anything in which you are making a face, that could be used in a Zoolander sequel. Derek could pull it off…you can’t.
12. Picking a user name that mentions any sexual act whatsoever. Yeah, we get it…69…clever.
In summary, I know that women are doing equally stupid things in their pictures, so I apologize if this comes across as sexist. However, I will leave that diatribe for someone holding a penis (okay, well, someone who HAS a penis…anyone can HOLD a penis).
Look into her eyes…she’s really wishing that she’d taken that extra computer class, right about now.