Me and My 2,000 Newest Flesh-Eating Friends



Tracy: “Hey, do you want to meet up for an early dinner?”

Me: “I can’t…I have a situation.”

Tracy: “Oh, this should be fascinating.  What now?”

Me: “Two of my fourteen kids popped positive for lice this week, and one of them always hugs me when I’m at my desk, and rests his head on mine.  My OCD just went from dormant to full Adrian Monk.  I refuse to let them check me, but I swear I can feel them fucking all over my scalp.  The ones behind my left ear are into some really kinky shit.”

Tracy: “Napalm or shaving your head?”

Me: “Olive oil.”

Tracy: “How does THAT work?”

Me: “I saturated my hair and then wrapped my whole head in plastic wrap and a shower cap.  I smell like Mario Bartoli’s ballsack.”

Tracy: “Look at the bright side, it could be Guy Fieri’s.”

Me: “I’ll keep the lice, thank you.”