I’d Show You A Picture, But Matthew Said It Was “Grotesque”. Matthew Ruins All My Fun.


Me: Annnnnnd I just got in my first car accident. Everyone’s fine…the car is getting towed..I’m on my way to the ER with what looks like a broken wrist.

Ryan: WHAT!? Holy shit! Where are you?  I’m coming right now.

Me: No, no, my mom is here. It could be so much worse. We’re all fine.

Ryan: Fine except for your wrist.  The kids are okay?

Me: The kids are fine.  Caol is a little shaken up because of the airbags, but we’re all good.

Ryan: What can I do? New airbags? Ride home? Sock with butter to beat the doctors?

Me: Butter? Try quarters. You’d never survive in prison.

Ryan: Because you’d like a boyfriend prepared to lead that life?

Me: Excellent point. Stay nerdy.

(45 minutes later)

Me: I’m apparently the first person in this ER to ever refuse a narcotic. The nurse looked at me like she was worried I had a head injury.

Ryan: She’ll be back around in 10 minutes for the hard sell.

Me: I spent my entire adolescence preparing for the day a drug pusher would come, but I never thought they’d have blond highlights and good veneers.

Ryan: Those are the worst ones. Stay strong.

Me: Can you see it now?  “I’m a clean teen, Susan!  I don’t want your Hillbilly Heroin!”…This would be the worst After-School Special, EVER.

Ryan: Meg, maybe we need to double-check on that head injury.

(Good news…it was just a ton of soft tissue damage with minor spraining, and I’m totally fine.)