His Wedding Registry Will Be Nothing But Maxi-Pads.

(This is what I have to listen to, while I’m trying to cook dinner.”

Xavier: “The dog likes me better, because he’s MAN’S best friend, not woman’s best friend.  What is woman’s best friend, anyway?”

Caolinn: “Tampons.”

Xavier: “What are tampons?”

Caolinn: “Mom!”

Me: “You got yourself into this one, get yourself out of it.”

Caolinn: (sigh) “You know how once a month, women bleed from their hoohah?”

Xavier: “Ugh, yeah.”

Caolinn: “Tampons help you, so you don’t leak.”

Xavier: “Ewwww.”

Caolinn: “Well, when you’re married, you’re going to need to deal with this.  Well, if you’re married to a woman; if you’re married to a man, you won’t.”

Xavier: “God, I really hope I wind up gay.”

Caolinn: “We all do, Xavier.”

I Don’t Want To Hear Another Word For 28 Days, D’Avonte

For those of you who are new…D’Avonte, easily one of my favorites (okay, they’re all my favorite), is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag queen, who comes to school in full regalia every day.  Another fun thing about D’Avonte…D’Avonte likes to pretend to be menstruating every time there’s work to avoid.

This is what happens when I’m trying to teach math, y’all. Please picture the entire conversation in a stage whisper…

D’Avonte: “Miss McMcerson…Miss McMcerson!”

Me: “What?”

D’Avonte: “I got my period.  Do you have a pad?”

Me: (Shaking my head)

D’Avonte: “Miss McMcerson…I need a pad.”

Me: “This is your sixth period this month.”

D’Avonte: “I need a pad.”

Me: “What you need is a health class.”

The Most Important Relationship You Can Have Is With Yourself…Unless You Can Be Friends With Oprah…Always Choose Oprah…

First week back, folks…first week back.

(While prepping them to write a friendly letter to themselves, about what three New Year’s Resolutions they’d like to take for 2015.)

Me: “Before you start, I want you to jot down three resolutions that you’re going to include in the body of your letter. Remember, two things you want to change…one thing you want to learn. Would any of you like to share one of your ideas?  I’ll start with one of mine…I’m going to read at least twenty-three books before school ends in May.”

D’Avonte: “Twenty-three books!?”

Me: “One for every week between now and summer.”

D’Avonte: “That’s crazy.”

Me: “Well, what did you put?”

D’Avonte: “Keep bein’ fierce, become famous, and get myself a man.”

Me: “I need you to pick two things you’re going to CHANGE, and one thing you want to learn.  What do you want to learn?”

D’Avonte: “If I tell you what I want to learn, you’re going to write me a referral.”

Me: (sigh) “Then I suggest you think of something that WON’T get you a referral.”

D’Avonte: (rolling eyes) “Fiiiiiine, ‘learn to drive’.”

Me: “Thank you, sweetie.”  (walking away)

D’Avonte: (under her breath) “Like that’s more important than learning to be better in bed.”

Deck The Halls With Boughs Of Folly

I went conservative. Or my version of conservative…

While shopping at Target for an ornament exchange I was attending, for an organization I’m involved with, that supports and connects LGBTQ community members with peers and some straight allies.

Caolinn: “What do you want to get?”

Me: “It has to be a un-traditional and fun, bordering on campy.  Those are the ones that everyone fights over.”

Caolinn: “How about this one?  It’s masculine, but also sort of sexy.”  (Holds up Superman ornament complete with abs.)

Me: “Lesbians outnumber the men 10:1 at this thing, I have to find something for my ladies who like ladies.  Wait…do they have Wonder Woman?”

Caolinn: “Nope, but they have this…”  (smirking)

 

Me: “Too far.”

 

(Ironically, someone else brought it, and it was a huge hit.  *sigh*)

Guys, I Don’t Think I Can Top This One

For full effect…you have to picture D’Avonte in floral spandex leggings and a blouse with some sassy sandals and enough costume jewelry to blind someone if caught in direct sunlight…

(Looking over to see her doing some weird squatting motion in my doorway, on her way to lunch.)

Me: “What ARE you doing?”

D’Avonte: “I’m tucking, Ms. M, cuz you know…I don’t have…(whispering)…a vagina.”

Me: “Oh, my, God!  Go to the bathroom!”

D’Avonte: “Love you, Ms. M.”

Me: “Love you, too.”

YES YES YES YES YES!!!

YES, YES, YES!!! Arizona…beating Mississippi at something since…just right now!!!

Touche, Kid…Now Shut Up

For those of you who remember this post…my favorite student, D’Avonte, is a 6′ 3 self-identified drag queen, who comes to school in full regalia every day…and whose look is always on point.  ALWAYS.

 

Me: (To my assistant) “Seriously, who hasn’t been in this room this week?  I think everyone on campus has evaluated my teaching.”

D’Avonte: (murmuring) “Good thing they’re evaluating your teaching, and not your choice of fucking shoes.”

My Apologies…This Is Going To Be A Rough Ride.

Because the feel of this entire blog is largely ridiculousness, I hesitated to to write about this here, but my heart is hurting so, I feel that I must.

Last night, one of Caolinn’s best friends tried to come out to his parents. In his usual, brilliant, witty, amazing way, he tried to make it easy and sweet, and he (and we) were all hoping for a loving and caring reception to his moment of brave honesty, but what happened instead, was that his parents yelled at him, berated him, told him that they wouldn’t accept it, that he wasn’t allowed to be gay under their roof, and threw away the gift he gave them. As a parent, as someone who loves him, and as a human being who isn’t an ignorant bigot…my heart broke, not only for him, but for all the kids who have faced the same response or worse. We’ve told him that our phones are on, and if, at any point, he needs us to come get him, day or night, we will, but it doesn’t feel like enough.

What I really want to do is bang down his parent’s door and tell them… Your son is brilliant, tall, handsome, and funny. He speaks more languages fluently, at sixteen, than I can say “hello” in at forty. He can program a computer, design a robot, once founded his own micro-nation (legally…I kid you not), and is a loyal and true friend. He’s also gay. And you don’t deserve him.

Thank you for listening to me, guys…I promise I’ll be happier tomorrow.  Probably because I stole their kid and egged their house.

Maybe It Was The Fact That I Fart Rainbows.

PWDUB=Person Who Doesn’t Understand Bumper Stickers

PWDUB: “I didn’t realize you were gay.”

Me: (pause) “Well….that’s two of us.”

PWDUB: “Huh?”

Me: “I’m not gay.”

PWDUB: “Oh…but that sticker on your car…I thought…”

Me: “That sticker means I support equal human rights.”

PWDUB: “Oh…I thought…but, you’re always posting on Facebook about…

Me: “Yeah, that stuff doesn’t mean I’m gay…it means I’m not a dick.”

(the most awkward pause of all time…)

Me: “So…wanna talk about how much I love penis, or were you hoping to ask me if you could borrow my Indigo Girls album, and I just ruined everything?”