Everything Hurts, And I’m Dying.

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Ryan: How was your day, today?

Me: Well…I got to ride in the back of a police car, which is about as disgusting as you would think it is.

Ryan: Your life of crime finally caught up with you?

Me: Me, the campus cop, and the Dean of Discipline were chasing a kid who ran away from campus.

Ryan: Did you catch him?

Me: Ten staff members, five private vehicles, three police cars, four miles, and 90 minutes later…yes.

Ryan: Are you ever tempted to just let them run?

Me: After today, if I had it my way, we would stand on the curb, waving, as he takes off.

Ryan: Let him run!  BE FREE!

Me: “Find your bliss, Motherfucker!”

You Get An ‘A’ For Accuracy.

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Me: “Hey, I need your three sentence summary of the student news.”

D’Avonte: “Ms. M, you KNOW I hate the damn news.”

Me: (teacher face)

D’Avonte: “Fiiiiiiiine.”

Turns in summary…

“They’re talking about Trump and all his bullshit. It’s the same stuff with his bitchass every day.  Why do you make me do this?”

Some Parents Don’t Deserve Their Kids

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As some of you know, in all my infinite spare time, I do some volunteer work for LGBT youth.  I hadn’t been able to see this one kid in awhile, who was really struggling, because his parents are traditional, old-school Mormons, and he was deeply closeted, and he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t hurt him or throw him out.

Me: “Heyyyyy!!! I haven’t seen you in ages! How are you!?”

Brayden: (cringing) “Good and bad…I came out to my mom.”

Me: “WHAT!? Oh, wow, are you okay?”

Brayden: “Well, I’m apparently a ‘disappointment’ and a ‘failure’.”

Me: “Arrrrrrrgh, I’m so sorry. But no violence, right? And you’re still living at home?”

Brayden: “Yeah, but I’m grounded.”

Me: “You’re grounded…for being gay.”

Brayden: “Pretty much.”

Me: “What are you grounded from?”

Brayden: “Dick? I’m pretty sure, I’m grounded from dick.”

As I Wear Flippity Flops…

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For the record, the child is walking the campus in 6″ heels all day…and if you’re not familiar with my blog, the child is a 6’3″, self-identified, drag queen, who comes to high school, dressed for the Milan runway.

D’Avonte: “My feet are killing me.”

Me: (Looking at her feet) “No shit.”

D’Avonte: “Jealous?”

Me: “Every single day of my life, my love, every single day of my life.”

So, Maybe Showing Them Jaws, Two Days After Announcing The Family Cruise, Was A Bad Idea

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For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago…  Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.

At my parent’s house for family dinner…

 

Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”

Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”

Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939.  What do you have to say about that?”

Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”

So Much For Good News

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Me: “Hey, guys!  Grandma and Grandpa booked a big trip for all of us this summer!  Guess where we’re going!?

Boys: “Where!?”

Me: “BERMUDA!”

Boys: “Like the TRIANGLE!?”

Me: …

Xavier: “Is that even safe?”

Me: “Are you kidding me right now?”

Liam: “Seriously, is it safe?”

Me: “Would I ever take you someplace that wasn’t safe?”

Liam: “Did you even SEE Scooby Doo!?”

Me: (throws up hands)

 

Excuse Me, While I Just Wrap Myself In The Floury Goodness

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Ryan: Where are you?

Me: I’m sitting, alone, in the kids’ therapist’s waiting room, with my feet on the coffee table, eating warm tortillas out of a bag. Let’s hope no one walks in.

Ryan: Why, because they’ll want some?  Tell them to get their own damn tortillas.

Me: I’ll even share, motherfuckers!

Ryan: No, no, sharing…just stare them down.

Me: I think I figured something out.

Ryan: What?

Me: Why I have a kid in therapy.

Squirrel!!!

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A few weeks ago, I broke my toe at work, so I’ve been forced to wear one of those ridiculous boots to protect it while it’s healing.

Student: “How’s your toe?”

Me: “Better, but today, I have this weird burning pain.”

Student: “You should take Adderol.”

Me: “So I can really buckle down and focus on how much it hurts?”

Student: “Oh, sorry, I meant Demerol.”

Me: “We’re going to need to have a conversation about your knowledge of prescription medications, one of these days.”