I Shall Apply A Password To My Communication Medium Post Haste

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(Coming back from lunch.)

Tracy: “You left your phone here.”

Me: “I realized that after I left, but then, I couldn’t exactly call you to ask about it.”

Tracy: “So….you got a text from Ryan.”

Me: “Ummmm…okay.”

Tracy: “I read it.”

Me: “What kind of text?  Should I be embarrassed for myself or annoyed with you?”

Tracy: “You should be SUPER embarrassed about all the texts you guys were sending last night.”

Me: “Ohhhhhh, God…you didn’t.”

Tracy: “Seriously, who uses ‘expeditiously’ like that?  And ‘scrupulously’?  And how did he figure out a way to make ‘intractable’ filthy?”

Me: (facepalm) “We like all the good words.”

Tracy: “If the SAT bought the ACT a six-pack and then fucked the shit out of it…it would sound EXACTLY like your text feed.”

Me: “The SAT would never do that…the SAT would bring wine.”

Tracy: (eye roll)

 

Right…That’s Why You Gained 10lbs. Suuuuuure. *wink*

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Fellow smartphone users who are unhappy with the size of their asses…  There is this awesome app, that I adore, called My Fitness Pal (and, no, they haven’t asked me to advertise for them, but now, they should…well…actually…hang on to that thought for a minute, because, like everything on this blog, it’s about to take a dark turn).  Last year, I took off about 16lbs using it. It’s super easy and helps you track all of your activity and food intake.  ANYHOOOO…it has been brought to my attention that among the millions of food listings…that this food item is in their vast library of choices.

 

 

 

 

IMG_8249IMG_7935Who, exactly, is this for?  Either A) You are so anorexic, that you’re concerned about the caloric load of a single blow job, or B) You are giving so much head that it’s effecting your diet plan, in which case…I’d like to see an entry for how many calories giving a blow job burns in the first place.  I’m guessing you still come out ahead.  HA!  A…Head.  Get it?  (sorry, even I hate me right now)

One last thought before I burn in hell…is anyone else concerned that they felt they needed to specify that the sperm was human?  Anyone?

Autocorrect…Miracle, or Pentecostal Conspiracy?

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Me: My gay far has been impeccable, thus far.

Me: GAYDAR.  Damn you, auto!  You should KNOW me by now.

Ryan: So much for Apple’s smart typing feature.  And all those people who end up with dick in their autocorrect?  It’s because I call people dicks a lot.

Me: Mine took forever to accept that I wasn’t obsessed with duck.

Ryan: Trust me, it’s worse when Siri does it to you.  “I’ve found 30 places for duck near you.”

Me: No, Siri…no, you didn’t.

Ryan: You’d think with hundreds of millions of iPhones out there, she would have learned to lean toward fuck instead, but no.

Me: Seriously, why so puritanical, Siri?  She’s like a grandmother…always trying to assume the best of us.

Ryan: She makes you feel guilty for asking for it.

Me: Asking for it?  What are you asking Siri for, you pervert?

Ryan: Ducks.

Ryan: And cats.  Sometimes I ask Siri for cats.