(Whilst watching a cable news channel…)
Me: “Jesus, every other ad is for erection drugs.”
Xavier: “Let’s please not.”
Me: “I’m going to start calling this ‘the boner channel’.”
Xavier: “Please don’t do that either.
Me: “Boner.”
Xavier: “You’re the worst.”
Yes, yes, I know…two posts in a row about fucking novelty bedding. It also should be noted that my sweet, brilliant, rational boyfriend goes completely ape-shit nerd when discussing some sort of controversy regarding whether Han Solo or Greedo shot first in the original movies. It has come up roughly three million times.
Me: Liam is spending his first night in his new Star Wars sheets.
Ryan: Do they make those for a queen-sized bed? I’m asking for a friend.
Me: Yes, but would you really be comfortable getting off in front of Han?
Ryan: It’ll be the first time he didn’t shoot first.
Me: Fine, but if you start making ‘pew pew’ noises during climax, I’m going to be super put off.
Ryan: ..
Me: You’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?
Ryan: Maaaaaaybe?
Me: “Did Grandma order you your new sheets?”
Liam: “Yes, I got Star Wars ones!”
Me: “Okay…well…I guess that’s okay. It’s probably the last time you can get something like that, so you might as well enjoy it.”
Liam: “What do you mean the last time?”
Me: “Honey, you’re 14, you’re probably never going to have this opportunity to get fun sheets again.”
Liam: “Mother, I think you’re grossly underestimating the kind of adult I plan on becoming.”
YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!
Caolinn: “I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. If I could choose anyone to be my father…it would totally be Neil deGrasse Tyson.”
Me: (murmuring) “If I could choose anyone to be your father, I’d pick Neil deGrasse Tyson, too.”
Caolinn: “Ummm, you COULD HAVE chosen anyone…and we know how THAT turned out.”
So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat. This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.
Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?
Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.
Me: No, thank God. This…
For those of you that remember this conversation I had with my sons a few days ago… Their most recent objection to our vacation plans, is that there are sharks in the ocean.
At my parent’s house for family dinner…
Grandma: “So, I did some research about Bermuda today.”
Liam: “Did you find out that we’re going to disappear in a Sharknado?”
Grandma: “No, but you two should know there hasn’t been a shark attack in Bermuda since 1939. What do you have to say about that?”
Liam: “So…they’re due, then.”
Me: “Hey, guys! Grandma and Grandpa booked a big trip for all of us this summer! Guess where we’re going!?
Boys: “Where!?”
Me: “BERMUDA!”
Boys: “Like the TRIANGLE!?”
Me: …
Xavier: “Is that even safe?”
Me: “Are you kidding me right now?”
Liam: “Seriously, is it safe?”
Me: “Would I ever take you someplace that wasn’t safe?”
Liam: “Did you even SEE Scooby Doo!?”
Me: (throws up hands)
(Note: the kids just got home from their dad’s, so we did Christmas Eve last night.)
Liam: “So, what time is metaphorical Santa coming, tonight?”
Xavier: “And why did we decide he’s coming back 5 days late?”
Liam: “Rehab.”
Xavier: “Liam, throw me a knife.”
Me: “Liam, do NOT throw him a knife!”
Xavier: “Killjoy.”
(After I sent him a real estate listing for a huge historic estate…)
Ryan: Great property, and I like the tree-lined drive.
Me: It would be perfect for a dog herd.
Ryan: Dogs? We could just set the children loose among the trees!
Me: I don’t even care if the damn thing is haunted.
Ryan: That might even make it better. Just as long as the walls don’t bleed.
Me: Agreed, I draw the line at supernatural bodily fluids.
Ryan: Wise boundary, you have no idea where those ghosts have been.
Me: Well, yeah, something killed them.
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 