The Universe Is Trying To Give Me An STD


Me: Jesus wants me to have herpes.

Tracy: Jesus does NOT want you to have herpes.

Me: Then how come the last two people I’ve actually wanted to date tested positive for it, right after we met? And seriously, these are the LAST two men on Earth who should have anything. These guys were so straight and narrow, they were practically vacuum-sealed. The universe. Wants me. To get herpes.

Tracy: If the universe wanted you to have herpes, they wouldn’t have found out before you were exposed.

Me: I swear to you that both conversations were identical. For the rest of my life, if a man calls me, sounding panicked, I’m going to assume and say, “Oh, my, God, you have herpes”, and they’re going to say, “No, my mom just died,” and then I’m going to say, “Oops! Sorry about that! But, hey…are you sure about the herpes?”

Tracy: At least you were really nice and understanding about it. You could have told him to kiss off, and you didn’t. You tried to be supportive.

Me: But what’s the point? What is the message in all this? What lesson is the universe trying to teach me? Every time I like someone, this happens, and then they freak out, want to live in a cave, never want to be touched again, and it fucks everything up. I am the only person on Earth who would have MORE dating options with an STD.

Tracy: Maybe it’s not about you at all. Maybe the universe is putting you in their lives to be nice to them and make them feel better about it?

Me: No, I think it IS about me…and apparently the universe is trying to teach me to stop being so understanding, and to start being a much bigger bitch.

Tracy: Okay, maybe the universe does want you to have herpes.

Me: I TOLD YOU! And, this, for the record, is why I’m becoming a nun.

Tracy: Yeah, I don’t think that anything we just talked about goes along with that.