Kettle…You’re Sirius Black


Xavier: “Is there a Harry Potter Day?”

Me: “I don’t think so, but if they do make one, it should be on July 31st for Harry’s birthday or on September 1st for the Hogwarts start of term.”

Liam: “NERD!”

Me: “He said…wearing his 7th Star Wars shirt this week.”

Liam: (death glare)

Star Wars 7…The Search For More Money


Me: Look!  Campbell’s Soup is even getting involved in Star Wars!

Ryan: Jeez. Is anyone NOT jumping in on this marketing?  What are they going to merchandise next?

Me: Chewbacca Condoms?  Don’t mind if I do!

Ryan: Way better than Han Solo Condoms.  The name alone doesn’t suggest a partner.

Me: Do you think he and Chewie ever…you know.  They were were space sailors after all. Any port in a meteor storm.

Ryan:If you don’t stop, I’ll start speculating about how big Hagrid’s penis was, again.

Me: ……….

Wait, Wait, Wait…Aren’t You A Teacher’s Kid? Have I Taught You NOTHING!?


Caolinn: “My chemistry teacher loves me, and I don’t know why.”

Me: “Why do you think she loves you?”

Caolinn: “Because she sat me in the front row and she always asks me questions.”

Me: (incredulous look)

Caolinn: “What?”

Me: “I love that you think that means she loves you.”

Baby, Imma Cast A Reducto Spell…On Your Pants.

Harry Potter Wand

“I wanted you to feel like a wizard every time you watched TV.” Seriously, the best birthday present ever.

(A Text conversation from last night.)

Ryan: Have you gotten your wand to work, yet?

Me: Not as well as I worked your wand last night.

Ryan: Hey-oh!  No, seriously, have you gotten it to work, yet?

Me: I’m trying to program it, now.

(5 minutes later)

Me: Sweetie, I might need you to do it for me, I can’t get it to work.

Ryan: Is it broken?

Me: No, I’m just not as tech savvy as you are. I’m reading the directions, and it’s just not working for me. Still trying…

(3 minutes later)

Me: 😦

Ryan: What’s wrong?

Me: I’m such a fucking Hufflepuff.

Ryan: There, there…at least you’re not a Nerf Herder.

Me: I don’t even know what that means.

Ryan: No one does, darling…no one does.


I Can Think Of Worse Ways To Drop 10lbs. Actual Dieting, For Example.


Tracy: “Okay, what’s up with those stupid herbs you bought me?”

Me: “Oh, my, God…are you okay?  What happened?”

Tracy: “You know how supposedly we all have ten pounds of undigested meat, sitting in our colons?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Tracy: “Well, I don’t, anymore.”

Me: “Well, that’s gotta make you feel better, right?”

Tracy: “I think I just shit a basilisk.”

Me: “This phone call is officially the ‘Chamber of No Secrets’.”

That’s a Dirty Word In These Parts.




Xavier: “Caolinn, watch!”

(shows her a coin and then waves his hands, throwing it behind his back, and then showing his empty hand)

Xavier: “MAGIC!”

Caolinn: “That’s not magic.”

Xavier: “Yes, it is.”

Caolinn: “Ridiculous.”

Xavier: “MUGGLE!”

I Wonder If He Needs Three Balls?


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At my desk with two students, who were coloring pictures of Fluffy, the three-headed dog, from Harry Potter.

Female Student: “I made this head a boy, and this one a girl, and this one is another boy.”

Male Student: “You can’t have one of the heads be a girl.  They’re all boys.”

Female Student: “Yes, I can!  You can’t say that they’re all boys!  They have three different brains!”

Male Student: “Hey, Fluffy might have three brains, but he only has one CROTCH, and that’s what makes him a boy.”

Me: (Falling out of my chair..)

I can Levi a Corpus With The Best Of ‘Em



John: “What’s going on with Casey?”

Me: “Not much.  He loves the new job…  He’s helping coach Little League.  Oh…and he’s started reading Harry Potter…”

John: “Let me get this straight…he’s reading Harry Potter because you like Harry Potter?”

Me: “Well, yeah.”

John: “All eight books?”

Me: “Seven, and yes.”

John: “Huh…  I never pictured that you were THAT good in bed.  I stand corrected.”


Sex and the Single Witch




(The following conversation completely explains why I’m single.)

Me: “I was at Hogwarts’ house last night.  Seriously, he annoyed the shit out of me, so I bailed early.  Alas, he WAS a Slytherin.”

S: “Bummer.  Glad to know you’re keeping your standards Gryffindor-high.”

Me: “At least need to find a fucking Ravenclaw…Jesus.”

S: “If you ever date a Hufflepuff, I will have to defriend you on Facebook.”

Me: “I’ll Avada Kedavra myself before I ever let something like that happen.”