Xavier: “Is there a Harry Potter Day?”
Me: “I don’t think so, but if they do make one, it should be on July 31st for Harry’s birthday or on September 1st for the Hogwarts start of term.”
Liam: “NERD!”
Me: “He said…wearing his 7th Star Wars shirt this week.”
Liam: (death glare)
Me: Look! Campbell’s Soup is even getting involved in Star Wars!
Ryan: Jeez. Is anyone NOT jumping in on this marketing? What are they going to merchandise next?
Me: Chewbacca Condoms? Don’t mind if I do!
Ryan: Way better than Han Solo Condoms. The name alone doesn’t suggest a partner.
Me: Do you think he and Chewie ever…you know. They were were space sailors after all. Any port in a meteor storm.
Ryan:If you don’t stop, I’ll start speculating about how big Hagrid’s penis was, again.
Me: ……….
Caolinn: “My chemistry teacher loves me, and I don’t know why.”
Me: “Why do you think she loves you?”
Caolinn: “Because she sat me in the front row and she always asks me questions.”
Me: (incredulous look)
Caolinn: “What?”
Me: “I love that you think that means she loves you.”
“I wanted you to feel like a wizard every time you watched TV.” Seriously, the best birthday present ever.
(A Text conversation from last night.)
Ryan: Have you gotten your wand to work, yet?
Me: Not as well as I worked your wand last night.
Ryan: Hey-oh! No, seriously, have you gotten it to work, yet?
Me: I’m trying to program it, now.
(5 minutes later)
Me: Sweetie, I might need you to do it for me, I can’t get it to work.
Ryan: Is it broken?
Me: No, I’m just not as tech savvy as you are. I’m reading the directions, and it’s just not working for me. Still trying…
(3 minutes later)
Me: 😦
Ryan: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m such a fucking Hufflepuff.
Ryan: There, there…at least you’re not a Nerf Herder.
Me: I don’t even know what that means.
Ryan: No one does, darling…no one does.
Tracy: “Okay, what’s up with those stupid herbs you bought me?”
Me: “Oh, my, God…are you okay? What happened?”
Tracy: “You know how supposedly we all have ten pounds of undigested meat, sitting in our colons?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Tracy: “Well, I don’t, anymore.”
Me: “Well, that’s gotta make you feel better, right?”
Tracy: “I think I just shit a basilisk.”
Me: “This phone call is officially the ‘Chamber of No Secrets’.”
Xavier: “Caolinn, watch!”
(shows her a coin and then waves his hands, throwing it behind his back, and then showing his empty hand)
Xavier: “MAGIC!”
Caolinn: “That’s not magic.”
Xavier: “Yes, it is.”
Caolinn: “Ridiculous.”
Xavier: “MUGGLE!”
At my desk with two students, who were coloring pictures of Fluffy, the three-headed dog, from Harry Potter.
Female Student: “I made this head a boy, and this one a girl, and this one is another boy.”
Male Student: “You can’t have one of the heads be a girl. They’re all boys.”
Female Student: “Yes, I can! You can’t say that they’re all boys! They have three different brains!”
Male Student: “Hey, Fluffy might have three brains, but he only has one CROTCH, and that’s what makes him a boy.”
Me: (Falling out of my chair..)
John: “What’s going on with Casey?”
Me: “Not much. He loves the new job… He’s helping coach Little League. Oh…and he’s started reading Harry Potter…”
John: “Let me get this straight…he’s reading Harry Potter because you like Harry Potter?”
Me: “Well, yeah.”
John: “All eight books?”
Me: “Seven, and yes.”
John: “Huh… I never pictured that you were THAT good in bed. I stand corrected.”
My pride at this video cannot be matched. My dog kicks so much ass, that he may be the only person listed in my Last Will and Testament.
(The following conversation completely explains why I’m single.)
Me: “I was at Hogwarts’ house last night. Seriously, he annoyed the shit out of me, so I bailed early. Alas, he WAS a Slytherin.”
S: “Bummer. Glad to know you’re keeping your standards Gryffindor-high.”
Me: “At least need to find a fucking Ravenclaw…Jesus.”
S: “If you ever date a Hufflepuff, I will have to defriend you on Facebook.”
Me: “I’ll Avada Kedavra myself before I ever let something like that happen.”
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 
