This Is Why My Parents Didn’t Think I Needed A Sibling.

Caolinn: “You’re an idiot.”

Xavier: “Yeah, well, you’re ugly.”

Me: “Hey!  You wouldn’t talk to the dog that way, so do not talk to your siblings that way.”

Xavier: (whispering) “Unibrow.”

Me: “Hey!  What did I JUST get done saying!?”

Xavier: “Well, I WOULD say that to the dog…I say it all the time, he has a huge unibrow.”

Me: (rethinks policy on strangling)

Further Proof That I’d Make The Worst Mistress Ever

Ryan: “Can we discuss the fact that you haven’t been to my place in two weeks, and I’m still finding your hair in weird places?”

Me: “Can we discuss what this indicates about your cleaning methods?”

Ryan: “I never see my own hair.”

Me: “Apples and oranges, dude.  Your hair is like, what, a inch long and beige?  Mine are three feet long and red…hardly a fair comparison.”

Ryan: “But can we agree that finding them in the following places is weird: in my dress shoe, on the office keyboard, and wrapped around my neck while I’m sleeping?  You can’t even pet my cat, and I found one of your hairs tangled in his ass.”

Me: “I think the larger issue is that you’re inspecting the cat’s ass.”