Friends…lovers…we need to talk. For those of you who use WordPress, you know that, as a blogger, they have a spectacularly awesome statistics page which tells you where people are reading you, and how they got there. Now, either WordPress has added an analytics page, or I’ve just never noticed it, but suddenly, I now get a list of search terms which led people to this blog. Guys…terrifying…truly.
So…I have a few questions/concerns…
1. What IS “labia minora fun”?
2. Scarier…”Miley Cyrus cover in sperm” or “Canadian singer Corey Hart cock shot”?
3. There’s a superior strip club in Murfreesboro, Tennessee? Is it the best because your sister works there?
4. Raise your hand if you’re surprised that Jon Hamm’s dick is all over this thing. No one? I thought so.
5. If you’re looking for hell…Google will lead you here.
Okay, Grouponers, the discount adult toys are on sale again. (Buzzies on the cheap!) This time, I’m NOT going to judge you for getting your rocks off, on the cheap. I am however going to judge the living crap out of you for using a “personal massager” so frequently that you require a rechargeable. Jesus. If the battery purchases for your big-girl toys are breaking your bank…it’s time to re-evaluate. Also, I dispute the “Human Touch” label on this thing. If human men could touch this way, we’d completely stop bitching about…well…everything.
To know me is to know that I am rather obsessed with getting a good deal, and that I don’t pay full price for anything, but…this time…I think that Groupon has crossed the line…
Groupon, I go to you for half-priced Baja Fresh and discount manicures; my no-no square has no business on your radar. Furthermore, am I REALLY supposed to believe that this product was originally $99.95? I know it’s waterproof, but come on! Unless this thing can talk dirty to me during and play with my hair after…it’s not worth anywhere near that much.
Most disturbingly, apparently over 790 of my fellow Grouponers have jumped at the chance to grab this lovely, and they’ve sold out. So, friends, the next time I see you pull out a Groupon to pay for your (haircut, pedicure, cocktails, lunch), know that I’m watching you…and I know why you’re smiling…and I know it’s not the 58% you just knocked off your bruschetta.