Terrible Person: Party of One.

My former father-in-law’s wife truly means well, but recently emailed both Caolinn and I this long account of how they ran into a fawn, tried to get it help, and then it died anyway.  Merry fucking Christmas.  Anyway…Caolinn wasn’t impressed.

Caolinn: “Why would she email me, a vegetarian animal lover, a story about how they murdered a baby deer with a Toyota!?”

Me: “Sweetie, I don’t think she meant any harm, but I acknowledge it’s weird.”

Caolinn: “Well, guess who’s not getting a Christmas present from me this year!?”

Me: “Well, the deer, obviously.”

Caolinn: “MOTHER!!!”

I’m Convinced She Was Drunk…at 8am.

Things my mother REALLY doesn’t like…violence, guns, tattoos, motorcycles, and men with long hair, so NOTHING about this conversation makes sense.

Mom: You watch Sons of Anarchy, right?

Me: Yeah. Why?

Mom: There’s a quiz online for you to find out which character would be your husband.  (Sends link)

Me: Lol…okay. Mom where did you find this, you’ve never even seen an episode of that show.

Mom: I got Jax and from description he looked pretty good. Heh heh heh.

Me: Jesus, Mother.

 

And, mom…because I know you’re going to read this…a gift from me to you.

 

Please excuse the fact that he looks like sexy Jesus, here.

Once Daily Cialis…Fighting For Boners…Two Side-By-Side Bathtubs At A Time

 

(Before you accuse me of an ethnic slur…I’m Italian…I’m allowed.  Also, it’s a total compliment to the male half of my people…)

Standing in my parent’s kitchen, overhearing yet another advertisement for erectile dysfunction medication…

Caolinn: “My heart isn’t healthy enough for sexual activity.”

Me: “Good, because my heart isn’t healthy enough for you to have sexual activity.”

My Dad: “What are you guys talking about in there?”

Together: “Nothiiiiiiiing.”

For Once…It Wasn’t Me She Was Annoyed By…For Once

So, apparently, my mother was online, and was reading a fluff article where people submitted captions for a photo of the President’s dog.  She thought the captions were hilarious, but evidently, my daughter was having none of this.