I Don’t Even Have A Penis, DMV. Fuck You Guys.

Me: Soooo, I got my new plate.

Ryan: You get a good one?

Me: (Sends picture)

Ryan: Haaaaaa!  Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

Me: I am NOT keeping these.

Ryan: Are you sure?  It’ll make you incredibly popular when you park in the student parking lot.

Me: Jesus fucking Christ.

Ryan: Whatever prisoner printed those is currently laughing his ass off.

Me: Can we be clear that the prisoner in question is PROBABLY a former student of mine?

Ryan: Are you going to order vanity plates now?

Me: The irony is, that if I had tried to order this EXACT plate, the DMV would have rejected my request.

Ryan: What are you going to do?

Me: Ughhhhh…I refuse to spend $50 for vanity plates.

Ryan: Well, then…you only have one option.

Me: Which is?

Ryan: Take them to the DMV, wait in line for a few hours, and then explain to a bureaucrat how you don’t want to advertise that you get “BNRS469”.

Me: FML

Ryan: That would make a much better licence plate.

At Least The Secret Service Uses Lube…Because They Care

 

Me: Do you think the NSA reads our conversations?

Ryan: They do if they’re tired of tracking ISIS. Yup, we’ve typed ISIS…now they’re totally listening.

Me: Maybe if we’re lucky they’ll chime in on our debate over page 55 of The Joy of Sex, and add their two cents about the merits of armpit licking.

Ryan: I’m sure any fucking the federal government does, occurs in a “very uncomfortable place”.

Me: Especially the IRS.  They’re the WORST.  No foreplay at all.

Ryan: The IRS won’t even buy you dinner.  They make you foot the bill, and THEN tell you it’s not a business deduction.

Me: What would be the WORST government agency to have sex with?

Ryan: CDC…for obvious reasons.

 

 

***For my non-American friends…  NSA-National Security Administration, IRS-Internal Revenue Service (read: taxes), CDC-Centers for Disease Control

 

Guess I Better Stop Talking About Robbing Those Banks In the 80s, Too, Huh?

(A call from my son’s teacher.)

Ms. Bonn: “So, I wanted to relate something that happened in class.”

Me: “What did he do?”

Ms. Bonn: “It’s not that he DID anything, I just wanted to share a story.”

Me: “Um…okay.  Is this story going to result in an office referral?”

Ms. Bonn: “No, no, no, seriously.  Today we were discussing places we liked to go, and another student in the class raised his hand, and expressed that he and his family liked to go to Chick-Fil-A.”

Me: “Oh crap…” (knowing exactly where this was headed…)

Ms. Bonn: *laughing* “Yeah…so Xavier raised his hand, and said, ‘I would never go to Chick-Fil-A.  They season their chicken with the tears of the oppressed’, and went on to quote exactly how much money they gave to ‘homophobic anti-freedom organizations’.”

Me: “Oh, God.  I’m so sorry he disrupted, but we have some strong opinions regarding civil rights and social justice in our house.”

Ms. Bonn: “Seriously, it’s cool.  I just thought you’d want to know, he actually listens to you.”

Me: “Grrrrreat.  Well, then do us both a favor and don’t mention our governor by name, or you’re totally going to have to write him an office referral.”