You’re Lucky That Make-Believe Bitch Didn’t Leave You A Check


Waking up the twins this morning…

Me: “Did the Tooth Fairy come?”

Liam: (incredulous look…reaching under his pillow) “Yes…she brought me…a Target gift card?”

Me: “It must be a marketing thing…she’s probably got a corporate sponsorship.”

Liam: (eye roll)

Xavier: (Under his breath) “Or she just got caught without cash again…”

Unless The Question Is, “What Sucks?”, Then Cash Is Always The Answer.




(A text conversation, in which I HOPE autocorrect is to blame.)

Pam: If your students do a presentation for the parents, and the parents get you a thank you…what’s your preference? $10 bouquet flowers or $10 Starbucks card?

Me: Gift card…always the gift card.

Pam: My friend said, ‘flowers are classy’. And I’m thinking fuck classy, three kids in this class ate dicks. The teachers need coffee damn it, not flowers.

Me: Um…what?

Pam: “Are” NOT “ate”!!!

Me: If three kids ate dicks…you’re gonna have to spend more than $10, and might I suggest instead of Starbucks, you put the cash toward some attorney’s fees.