I’m Going To Be Banned From Yet Another Business.


Me: You know that feeling when you realize that you narrowly missed a close call with disaster and/or death?

Ryan: Um, yeah…are you okay!?

Me: I just had one of those at Home Depot.

Ryan: Power tool demo?  Something almost land on you?

Me: A young guy was helping me in the gardening section…

Ryan: Yeah….

Me: And I caught myself just in a nick of time…

Ryan: Before you fell over something?

Me: Before I asked him where I could find a “hand cranked seed spreader”.

Ryan: HA HA HA HA HA!!!  You are the living inspiration for every bad piece of porn dialogue ever written.

That’s No Garden, Ho.


It’s wrong to be turned on by this, isn’t it.

While looking at houses online…

Casey: “How about this one?”

Me: “Oh, no way.”

Casey: “It’s red brick…you love red brick…you never shut up about red brick.”

Me: “Yeah, but it has a HUGE vegetable garden situation, in the backyard, and I can’t even keep a cactus alive.”

Casey: “You’re smart…you could figure it out, and if you could grow your own kale, you’d save like a hundred bucks a month.  Seriously…what’s with you and the kale?  Are you just pooping sod at this point?”

Me: *glaring*

Casey: “What?”

Me: “I don’t poop…girls don’t ever poop.”

Casey: *pausing* “Even if I win that debate, I feel like I’m still going to lose.”

Me: “Pretty much.”

(Two minutes later…)

Casey: *whispering* “Why don’t you poop?”

Me: *whispering* “Because if I did, it would kill the mystery.”

Casey: *still whispering*  “What mystery?  The one where I wonder where all the kale goes?”