Just over a decade ago, in the midst of a routine ultrasound with my second pregnancy, I had a perfectly lovely woman inform me that I was, in fact, five months pregnant with twins. I would love to tell you that I cried grateful tears and said something poetic and earth shatteringly poignant, perhaps about the unexpected blessings that the universe had bestowed upon me and my, evidently, fruitful womb…but, no. Instead, I looked her dead in the eye and called her a “fucking liar”. Classy under pressure…that’s me.
Fast forward a bit, and I have the least identical, identical twins on Earth. Seriously, they suck at it. In utero, one was content to stretch, roll, and chill, and the other one spent all day and night kicking the shit out of me AND his brother, doing what I can only assume, was a fabulous impression of Elaine Benes dancing. Even at birth, they couldn’t agree on an exit strategy, and they threw open separate hatches to escape the mother ship.
They don’t like the same food, clothing, music, games, or…anything. The only thing they consistently agree on, is ways to piss off their older sister. There…they’ve got their shit together.
Because of this, I have raised them as individuals from the onset. They were never dressed alike or treated “equally”. First, because it would disrespect them as unique human beings, capable of great individuality…but, mostly just because I find the notion of clones fucking creepy. Perhaps that is why one of them just doesn’t seem to always get it, and I’ll let you guess which one.
Liam: “Xavier told me I look like a donkey’s butt.”
Me: “I’ll bet that hurt your feelings. What did you say to him, when he said that to you?”
Liam: “I reminded him that we’re identical twins.”
Xavier: “It’s not fair. Girls get to be beautiful, and boys are just…ugh.”
Liam: “Xavier…we’re identical twins, and I’m ADORRRRABLE.”
Xavier: “Why does she (camp counselor) always call me Liam!?”
Exhibit D: (During a RARE moment when they were wearing the same dress shirt, for their First Communion.)
Xavier: “How does this look on me, do I look okay?”
Liam: (Throwing up his hands, gesturing to himself, with an expression of absolute “DUH!”)