A few weeks ago, I broke my toe at work, so I’ve been forced to wear one of those ridiculous boots to protect it while it’s healing.

Student: “How’s your toe?”

Me: “Better, but today, I have this weird burning pain.”

Student: “You should take Adderol.”

Me: “So I can really buckle down and focus on how much it hurts?”

Student: “Oh, sorry, I meant Demerol.”

Me: “We’re going to need to have a conversation about your knowledge of prescription medications, one of these days.”

If Any Of You Are Looking To Score…I Know A Guy.



Caolinn: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m googling some old students.”

Caolinn: “Awwww, that’s sweet.  To see how they’re doing?”

Me: (incredulous look) “To see who’s doing time, and what they were arrested for…I have some bets to settle.”

Caolinn: *blank stare*

Me: “Keep disapproving; if Danny Jones has been picked up for drug trafficking, it’s worth a twenty.”


(And before any of you judge me, *Danny Jones was arrested for dealing cocaine IN FIFTH GRADE.)

*Clearly, not his real name.

That’s Right, Kids…And Waterfalls Wash Away All Blood Evidence.


For those of you who are newer, I am the lucky recipient of the world’s most amazing student, D’Avonte, who is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag-queen, who basically sasses me all day, but does it so charmingly, that I love her more for it.  That and she looks better than I do in short shorts, so I defer to her greatness. Additionally, I’ve taken on a new Sophomore, Ramon, who is this swaggering, sexist gangster, perpetually getting busted for drug offenses. Strangely, the two of them have become friends, which my teaching partner attributes to the fact that D’Avonte could kick Ramon’s ass, even in a wig and heels.

Anyhoooo…we were watching part of the Planet Earth series to supplement a lesson we were doing on the rainforest.

D’Avonte: “Oooooo, that’s pretty…look at all those flowers.”

Ramon: “You could get all lost up in there. That would be a GOOD place to bury a body.”

D’Avonte: (turning around) “The fuck is wrong with you!?”

I’d Show You A Picture, But Matthew Said It Was “Grotesque”. Matthew Ruins All My Fun.


Me: Annnnnnd I just got in my first car accident. Everyone’s fine…the car is getting towed..I’m on my way to the ER with what looks like a broken wrist.

Ryan: WHAT!? Holy shit! Where are you?  I’m coming right now.

Me: No, no, my mom is here. It could be so much worse. We’re all fine.

Ryan: Fine except for your wrist.  The kids are okay?

Me: The kids are fine.  Caol is a little shaken up because of the airbags, but we’re all good.

Ryan: What can I do? New airbags? Ride home? Sock with butter to beat the doctors?

Me: Butter? Try quarters. You’d never survive in prison.

Ryan: Because you’d like a boyfriend prepared to lead that life?

Me: Excellent point. Stay nerdy.

(45 minutes later)

Me: I’m apparently the first person in this ER to ever refuse a narcotic. The nurse looked at me like she was worried I had a head injury.

Ryan: She’ll be back around in 10 minutes for the hard sell.

Me: I spent my entire adolescence preparing for the day a drug pusher would come, but I never thought they’d have blond highlights and good veneers.

Ryan: Those are the worst ones. Stay strong.

Me: Can you see it now?  “I’m a clean teen, Susan!  I don’t want your Hillbilly Heroin!”…This would be the worst After-School Special, EVER.

Ryan: Meg, maybe we need to double-check on that head injury.

(Good news…it was just a ton of soft tissue damage with minor spraining, and I’m totally fine.)


I Am Not A Doctor…And I Didn’t Even Play One Behind Tony Spinnutto’s Swingset


Me: “What did the doctor say?”

Jen: “Well, now they’ve added another drug, also NOT on my insurance, to try and thicken my lining, and then I have to go in for an ultrasound to see if it worked, so they will know IF they can even think about doing the IVF cycle.”

Me: “How many meds are you on, now?”

Jen: “Five.”

Me: “Hey, I don’t want to claim to be a doctor, but I’ve heard of this drug that you can take, all by itself, that’s super cheap, and if you take it, you’ll be pregnant, like…constantly.”

Jen: “You’re talking about meth, aren’t you?”

Me: “Have you ever met a meth head with fewer than five kids?”

Jen: “God, it’s true.”

Me: “I’m not convinced it’s not a fertility drug they lost control of.”

Jen: “Maybe it’s not the meth, but all the hooking they do to GET the meth.”

Me: “Well, there’s another option for you.”

Jen: “You’re never babysitting.”

Mother Of The Year…In Columbia


As my children clamber into the car after school…

Xavier: “Mother, we need to talk.”

Me: “Um, okay?”

Xavier: “Remember how every time grandpa brings powdered doughnuts over, you tell me I have a ‘Tony Montana moustache’, and I thought that just meant a big moustache?”

Me: (giggling) “Okay, yeah?”

Xavier: “Today, my teacher was eating a powdered doughnut…”

Me: “Ohhhhh, nooooo.”

Xavier: “Exactly.”


Someone Clearly Slipped My Twins Some Mescaline


(I can’t be the only person who sees this video and wonders how he isn’t one of mine.)

A random quote from each of my sons today…  This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what I get to listen to every day, while I’m driving…


Xavier: “Mom!  What do you mean I can’t have a hang glider!? What do they make them for then!?”


Liam: “Don’t you think it would be funny if they made a show about Darth Vader, and he wanted a girlfriend, and they called it Darth Dater?”

If She Offers To Vaccuum, I’m Demanding Urinalysis

(Clearly this was written before we left for our cruise…)
While responding to my query of why she was so interested in babysitting her brothers.

Me: “What are you up to?”

Caolinn: “I’m not ‘up to’ anything. Hey, there are kids who are getting pregnant and doing drugs. All I’m doing is, like, watching My Little Pony on Netflix.”
Me: “How is that better?”
Caolinn: “Pega-sister for life, man!!!”
Me: (horrified look) “Maybe you should reconsider the drugs.”