Thoracic Park



My darling friend, Drew, who is good to animals, loving to his children, generous with the needy, and the first person you’d ever want to be your doctor in the time of a crisis…is the meanest attending physician in the world.

Drew: (to me) “Hang on for a second…” (putting the phone to the side, to talk to one of his residents) “What’s going on?”

Resident: *mumblemumble pulmonary mumblemumble*

Drew: “Well, what procedure are you going to order for that patient?”

Resident: *mumblemumble hemopneumosarcoiditis mumble*

Drew: “Oooookay, and what procedure are you going to order AFTER that one?”

Resident: “Ummmmm, I’m not sure, Sir.”

Drew: “The procedure you’d order after is called a FUCKING AUTOPSY, because that first thing you wanted to do is going to KILL him! The object of this ICU is to make them LIVE…you know that, right!? We’re trying to free up beds by getting them better, NOT by KILLING THEM.”

Resident: “Ummm”

Drew: (to me) “Hey, loved the picture of the kids…say hi to your folks.”

Me: “Ummm.”