The Sexual Reference Wasn’t As Alarming As The Fad



It all started with them singing Gangham Style…and then the dog, Sully, walked by…

Liam: “Oh….sexy Sully…”

Xavier: “Oppan doggy style.”

Me: (laughing) “Oh Jesus God, don’t say that.”

Liam and Xavier: “Why?”

Me: “It’s a sexual thing…just don’t say it.”

Xavier: “Well, that explains why I got yelled at for saying it in computers.”

Money Can’t Buy You B*tches.



And yet another series of text conversations from my friend Drew…the world’s most angry husband…  A little background, to make this conversation make sense…  Drew is Jewish and attended Princeton.

Drew: You are not going to fucking believe this.  I was rejected by the dog rescue.  How in the hell does this even happen?

Me: The hell?  Did you dress up like Michael Vick?  Did you have an erection in the middle of the kennel?

Drew: I have no idea.  It was based on my filling out the forms online.  They never even met me.

Me: Maybe they’re Harvard grads.  Maybe they want the dogs to go to good Christian homes.

Drew: *sigh*

Me: Did you look into the Humane Society?

Drew: They only have pitbulls.  Rachel would shit herself if I brought home a pitbull.

Me: Awww, look at you being nice and caring about what your wife wants.

Drew: Second thought…going tomorrow…finding one that has mommy issues.

**The next day**

Me: Hey, can you call me in for an inhaler?  I lost the other one.

Drew: How in the hell do you lose an inhaler…it’s medication…important medication.  It should be in your purse, so you have it, if you need it.  It’s allergy season.  What if you had an episode!?

Me: Are you lecturing me?  I don’t know if you’re qualified to be lecturing me.

Drew: Qualified!?  Give me the name of a doctor who is more qualified than me…please…enlighten me.

Me: Well, for starters…any doctor that can be trusted with a stray dog.

Drew: *sigh* I walked straight into this.  Do you even need a new inhaler.

Me: Nope.  🙂

Drew:  You are such an asshole.  If I didn’t love you, I’d hate you.

Me: Woof.

Drew: Grrrrr…

Let’s Hope That’s the Only Thing Exploding.



As I make chicken and rice for the dog…not because I’m an awesome dog mom that custom makes his food, but because we’re out of dog food, and I’m too tired to go to Target…

Caolinn: “What are you cooking him?”

Me: “Rice and chicken.”

Caolinn: “Rice!?  Can he eat rice!?”

Me: “Rice is one of the main ingredients in his normal food…and he’s a dog…dogs are supposed to survive on rodents and twigs, in the wild.”

Caolinn: “Won’t rice make him explode?”

Me: “He’s not a friggin’ seagull, Caol.”

Caolinn: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Am I sure that the dog isn’t a seagull?  Yes…I’m sure the dog isn’t a seagull.  Are you sure you’re in the gifted program?”

Caolinn: *eye roll* “I can’t wait to go to college.”

Me: “Make sure to major in zoology.  Lesson one…dogs don’t have wings.”

Caolinn: *sigh*


Damn You, Sarah McLachlan


Just over a year ago, the universe colluded with a youtube clip, and my poor heart, still bruised from losing my previous dogs, started to feel like it could stand another foray into pet ownership.

What has happened since, is a love affair with this animal, which is just this side of legally reportable.


I swear I only LOOK like the spawn of Dog-Satan.

Example 1:

(Just getting out of shower, and discovering the dog had one of his stuffed animals…)

Liam (yelling): “Sully, you get back here! You better give me that!”

Liam (muttering to himself): “I’m going to go put on some underwear, so he takes me seriously.”

Example 2:

Me: “Hey, I think the dog isn’t as freaked out by grown men anymore! He totally stopped barking at this one guy, after just a minute, and then he even licked sweat off his forehead.”

Tracy: “Um…why is a guy sweating in your house?”

Me: “He was a mover, pervert.”

Tracy: “Maybe he only likes sweaty men?”

Me: “Maybe he only likes men that take shit from our house.”

Example 3:

Caolinn: “I think the dog relates to me.”

Me: “The dog spends half his day drinking from the toilet and trying to eat pads out of the garbage.”

Caolinn: “Well…aside from that.”

Why Does the Dog’s Butt Smell Like Listerine?


Miracles don’t just happen on tortillas, folks.

Every night, after I tuck her in, my daughter wants me to lay down with her, which inevitably results in the dog (Sully) jumping in the bed, as well.

Me: “Yeah, there’s nothing more relaxing than listening to the dulcet tones of Sully, licking himself.  Yeah, that’s it, boy…really get on in there.”

Caolinn: “Hey, he likes to keep himself clean.”

Me: “If he likes to be clean, you’d think he wouldn’t hate baths so much.  You’d think he’d be all, ‘Hey, there’s one less day I have to lick my own ass.'”

*moving to get up and go to my own bed*

Caolinn: “You cannot leave on that note.  Lay back down and start talking about something that doesn’t involve the dog’s anus.”

*long pause*

Me: “I got nothing.”

Caolinn: *sigh*

It’s Hard To Discipline This Kid.


Just wait until I hit puberty, bitches.

(After I had to check the dog for a suspicious spot on his belly, that turned out to be a scab from scratching, and when I was done, he took off and hid under the bed.)

Caolinn: “I believe he’s feeling awkward because you touched his no-no square.  If he could dial a phone right now, you’d be in a lot of trouble.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

(Emerging from the bathroom after her period came 5 days late.)

Caolinn: “Well, I have some excellent news for you…I’m not carrying the second coming of Christ.”

My dog sucks at physics.


Here’s the thing…my dog is a smooth motherfucker.  From the time he was rescued as a puppy, he has been as close to perfect an animal as you get.  It has taken little to no effort to get him potty trained, crate trained, command trained, and he even goes leash-free when we feel like it, because he’s that badass.  Aside from a rather rampant obsession with tissues, and who doesn’t love a good used tissue, he chews on nothing.  When he has to puke, he even deliberately runs and does it on the tile, so he doesn’t mess up the carpet.  Seriously…best dog ever.

The one thing…the ONE THING that I need this dog to learn is that two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time, so if anyone knows a good physicist/dog trainer, please drop me a line, so my daughter can ride to the dog park without looking like this.


Pauli Principle? Whaaaaa?