And My Butler Will Only Have Four Fingers On Each Hand!

Me: I’m winning the Powerball on Wednesday.

Ryan: Best to start planning now.  I suggest permanent Disneyland passes with one of those tour guides that gets you to the front of the line.

Me: And one of those awesome suites as well.

Ryan: Can we just buy an apartment IN the park?  Maybe hidden somewhere in the new Star Wars Land?

Me: Only if the kitchen can be modeled after the Millennium Falcon.  Only cleaner.

Ryan: Much cleaner.  Don’t know what Han and Lando have done on that ship.

Me: Or Chewie!  His palms didn’t get that hairy for nothing.

Ryan: ……..

The Happiest Place On Earth Is Now Anywhere With Ibuprofen And Beer

There is NO INTERPRETIVE DANCE allowed on Thunder Mountain Railroad.

In case some of you thought I was dead somewhere (hoping, I daresay), I was merely on Spring Break with my family.  After fooling my kids into thinking they were going to Prescott, AZ with my mother, with the car packed, we revealed the truth…that we were taking them to Disneyland. As exciting as Prescott is, I’m sure you can imagine, they were thrilled at the change in plans.

Because I’m exhausted, have to work today (already!?), and everything hurts…I’ll just share a quick summary of Le Disney.

1. Nothing looks as smug as the faces of people passing you in the Fast Pass line.  Oh, yeah…well, I’ve got a pocket-full of California Screamin’ tickets set to ripen in a 10 minutes…then we’ll see who’s smug.

2. The Indiana Jones ride…has a posted height requirement…but should actually have a support bra requirement.  Seriously, it’s like Girls on Trampolines in there.  The happiest place on Earth?  The security office for that ride, watching the footage.

3. There’s a subtle line between making your children the center of your life, and teaching them that they’re the center of the known universe. Annnnd I saw that line crossed, on the daily.

4. I don’t care how many Mickey-shaped beignets you just ate…  Thou shall not joke about cocaine use at Disneyland.  Apparently, that joke doesn’t go over well in the Magic Kingdom.

5. I’m probably in the vacation photos of a million strangers, but only 4 of my own.  Yes, family from Indiana, that is me, and yes, that was my third churro…don’t fucking judge.

6. My daughter can spot a “famous Vine-r” from 50 paces away, but doesn’t know who Angie Harmon is, when she’s standing 10 feet away.  (She’s lovely by the way, and her daughters are insanely beautiful…shocker.)

7. On every ride this happened…

Cast member: “Have a great ride!”

Caolinn: “You, too!”

*facepalm*

8. You know those cameras, where they snap a picture of you, mid-ride?  After looking like a mental patient in 30 of them, this is what happens.

Now, back to work.  Grumble, grumble.

Fuck You, Captain Hook. Do Your Job!

Disneyland with my daughter at five: “I want to meet Cinderella; she’s pretty!”

Disneyland with my daughter at fifteen: “I want to meet Peter Pan; he’s hot!”

Aaaaaand then I shoot myself. The end.

 

 

The Happiest Place On Earth…That Also Scares The Living Shit Out Of You For Sport.

Okay, this is actually an old conversation, from last summer, when I took the kids to Disneyland, but someone reminded me of it last night…

(As the “bellhop” character welcomed us to Tower of Terror.)

Bellhop: “Please enter the library…”

Liam: “Library!? They’re going to make us READ!?”