Friends…We Need To Talk…About Seagulls and Fancy Pussies

Screenshot 2015-03-29 at 10.00.03 PM

And this is just from last week. If I showed you a month’s worth, you’d gouge our your own eyes.


Look, guys, I know that I’m not exactly running a vegan cooking blog, but can we PLEASE discuss the internet searches that are leading people here?  Seagulls, people who hate physics, basilisks, and a horrifying amount of requests for dicks?  And why do all the requests for female genitalia demand that they be “fancy”?  That hardly seems fair.  So, dicks are fine as long as they’re in HD, but the vaginas…those better be spruced up, goddamn it.  And how spruced up are we talking?  Like glitter and gems, or will a tiny chapeau do the trick?

I can only assume that the people requesting “pics of hell” were sent here to see this:


And “memes de alf”?  France, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that query came from Belgium.  De rein.

Now, if you’ll please excuse me…I have some Penis Day cards to send.  Thanks, Hallmark!



Jon Hamm’s Penis Saves the Day…And a Tree-full of Kittens…It Also Saved Kittens

Thank you, Jon Hamm's're my hero.

Thank you, Jon Hamm’s Penis…you’re officially the most fucked up reason why I’ve ever broken up with anyone.

Linney: “Whaaaat, Casey?  But I thought he was great!”

Me: “He was…he was great…until we got serious, and then he became completely jealous and possessive and insane.”

Linney: “Insane how?”

Me: “We got into a fight in public about Jon Hamm’s dick.”

Linney: “Wait…WHAT!?”

Me: “He said some guy looked like Jon Hamm, and I made a remark that I just hoped he was wearing underwear to cover his enormous dick, and he completely went off on me, asking how I knew that Jon Hamm has a huge dick, and why would I make remarks about other guy’s penises.”

Linney: “Jon Hamm’s dick has its own Twitter account.”

Me: “That’s what I said!  He went apeshit on me for being ‘insensitive and inappropriate’.  That, and to be honest…the sex was getting worse not better.  He seemed to think that ‘I love you’ meant, ‘I don’t have to even attempt foreplay, anymore’.”

Linney: “No foreplay!?  Yeah, he had to go.  NEXT!”