It Be Pirates!!!

So, to make a very long story short… Some criminal asshole made a duplicate of my credit card, which they then used at a retail store, that shall remain nameless, where a sales associate allowed them to use my card SEVENTEEN times in a row for amounts between 40 and $50, resulting in over $700 in charges. Needless to say, this was both infuriating, and a giant waste of my time to get fixed.

Tracy: “What’s going on with your credit card situation.”

Me: “I’m still working on getting my new card and getting all the charges removed. I filed a police report yesterday.”

Tracy: “Has the store offered to send you anything as a way of restitution since they fucked up?”

Me: “I want more than a gift basket for this bullshit, I want somebody HUNG.”

Tracy: “Honey, we all want someone hung, but I’m pretty sure in lieu of a big dick, you’re just going to settle for a gift basket.”

Madam, You Should Come With An Asshole Warning

(After a crazy person almost side swiped me, then cut me off, and when I honked…flipped me off.)

Me: “What the fuck!? That bitch!”

Tracy: “Be nice, she has a handicapped plate.”

Me: “I don’t care if she has a seeing eye dog driving the car, she’s a fucking bitch!”

Tracy: “Maybe she’s a bitch because she’s angry about being disabled.”

Me: “Maybe she’s disabled because she was a fucking bitch and someone pushed her down some stairs!”

Tracy: (pause) “Touche.”

 

**And before any of you angrily email me, I have dedicated my life to the Individuals With Disabilities Act, and I feel that just as everyone should equal access to services, that everyone has equal access to being an asshole…a privilege which this woman clearly took.**

If Any Of You Are Looking To Score…I Know A Guy.

Caolinn: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m googling some old students.”

Caolinn: “Awwww, that’s sweet.  To see how they’re doing?”

Me: (incredulous look) “To see who’s doing time, and what they were arrested for…I have some bets to settle.”

Caolinn: *blank stare*

Me: “Keep disapproving; if Danny Jones has been picked up for drug trafficking, it’s worth a twenty.”

 

(And before any of you judge me, *Danny Jones was arrested for dealing cocaine IN FIFTH GRADE.)

*Clearly, not his real name.

That’s Right, Kids…And Waterfalls Wash Away All Blood Evidence.

For those of you who are newer, I am the lucky recipient of the world’s most amazing student, D’Avonte, who is a 6′ 3″, self-identified drag-queen, who basically sasses me all day, but does it so charmingly, that I love her more for it.  That and she looks better than I do in short shorts, so I defer to her greatness. Additionally, I’ve taken on a new Sophomore, Ramon, who is this swaggering, sexist gangster, perpetually getting busted for drug offenses. Strangely, the two of them have become friends, which my teaching partner attributes to the fact that D’Avonte could kick Ramon’s ass, even in a wig and heels.

Anyhoooo…we were watching part of the Planet Earth series to supplement a lesson we were doing on the rainforest.

D’Avonte: “Oooooo, that’s pretty…look at all those flowers.”

Ramon: “You could get all lost up in there. That would be a GOOD place to bury a body.”

D’Avonte: (turning around) “The fuck is wrong with you!?”

No McMcerson Holiday Is Complete With Some Inadvertent Blasphemy

From Saturday night…

Liam: “Mom, we have to say prayers. It’s Easter; tomorrow is the day Jesus was reincarcerated.”

Me: “Ummmmm…”

Megan McMcerson…Internet Cautionary Tale

Yup…this is how that date would go.

About a year ago, someone with a traditionally female name, who went to my high school, added me on Facebook.  We had 30 friends in common…I stupidly accepted.  They only had pictures of dogs, and never interacted with me in ANY way, so, frankly, I forgot they were in my friend list.  Then, out of nowhere, this person, who, as it turns out is a guy, starts posting come-ons on my Facebook wall, in front of God and everyone (read: my mother).  Obviously, this resulted in deletions and un-friending, but…that still didn’t get through to him, apparently.

Tracy: “Did you block that idiot?”

Me: “Yes, but first he tried to re-add me twice, and when I deleted them, the private messages start.  The first one repeats exactly what he wrote on my wall, and the second one says, ‘It’s okay if you have a boyfriend. we can still hang out’.”

Tracy: “What the fuck!?”

Me: “Right?  I’m going to take that bait?”

Tracy: (laughing) “I think you should..it’s good to make new friends.”

Me: “Oh, God…I can’t wait to have that conversation with Ryan.  ‘Hey, so, yeah, there’s this guy I went to high school, who I don’t remember, who has no social skills to speak of, who keeps asking me out, but he said it was cool if we just hung out, so…I’m gonna do that, ‘kay?’ Jesus, he’d dump me just so he wouldn’t be the boyfriend of a dead girl.”

Tracy: “Maybe he WANTS to be portrayed in a Lifetime Original Movie.”

Me: “No man wants to wind up on Lifetime.”

Tracy: “CSI?”

Me: “Stop selling this, please, either way, I wind up a skin suit.”

Tracy: “Hmmm…yeah…that.”

Sure, He’s Hot, But He Uses “Vintage” For His Dick Pics.

Seamus: (Reading from his phone.) “This study claims that men who take lots of selfies are generally crazy.”

Me: “Ruh roh…having some self-reflection?”

Seamus: “Apparently, men who post them unaltered have poor impulse control and have a higher incidence of being psychopaths, but men who edit them and add filters before posting are just plain old narcissists.  I always edit.”

Me: “So, the only thing keeping you from being a fucking serial killer…is a sepia filter.”

Seamus: “I better keep editing my photos.”

Me: “You better stop eating your neighbors.”

Just Be Happy Mommy Doesn’t Do Meth

Unfortunately, every single copy of Maleficent, in a five mile radius, was already rented, so I had to reserve a copy at a Redbox in the world’s worst neighborhood, which the children were only too happy to point out, when we went to get it…

 

Xavier: “Where is this Redbox located, anyway?”

Caolinn: “On the corner of 27th and Hooker by the looks of it.”

I’m One Sister-Cousin From Being A Straight-Up Hillbilly

Drew: “What are you doing today?”

Me: “I’m skinning lemons to steep in Everclear so I can make my own limoncello.”

Drew: (pause) “You don’t even really drink…and you’re brewing booze.  Is this even legal?”

Me: “I’m sorry…how much drug company money have you taken this year?”

Drew: “Let’s not compare crimes.  While I’m curing pneumonia…you’re moonshining.”

(pause)

Me: “Want me to send you some?”

Drew: “Duh…you want me to send you some Flonase?”

Me: “Duh”.

(pause)

Me: “Kettle.”

Drew: “Walter White.”

I’m More Scared Of My Friends, Than I am Some Random Crackhead

Drew: “Hey, don’t tell anybody you’re going out of town on Facebook.”

Me: “Why, I have a housesitter, nosy neighbors who don’t work, and an alarm system.”

Drew: “Still.”

Me: “Drew, what are they going to steal?  The only things I have of any value are going with me to Alaska.  Are they going to make off with my 80lb TV that still has a picture tube, or my three copies of Zoolander?”

Drew: “You have three copies of Zoolander?”

Me: “Want one?”

Drew: “No.  And what if someone breaks in and isn’t looking to rob you?”

Me: “Huh?”

Drew: “What if it’s just some pervert who wants to…I don’t know…break in and jack-off on your bed, or something?”

Me: “Well, two things.  One, I’m never giving YOU a house key, pervert.  Two, I guess I’m washing my sheets when we get back.