I Live In A Frat House


Dinner at my parent’s isn’t a formal affair, even when they’re lucky enough to have my fake brother (my best friend, Matthew) over for pasta.  So there we all were…sitting around the table, while my mother assembled marinara with Italian sausage in the kitchen.

Mom: “Megan, you want extra sauce, right?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Mom: “No sausage, right?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Mom: “Matthew, sausage?”

Caolinn: “Oh, Uncle Matthew wants hot Italian sausage alright.”


Caolinn and Matthew: (high-fiving)


Just Be Happy I Don’t Use Mine To Make Bombs, Kids.


Me: (singsonging in the kitchen) “It’s the weeeeeekend!  You know what that means!”

(Boys whispering in their room.)

Liam: “Shit, that means the crockpot is coming out.”

Xavier: “And that she’s not wearing pants.”


Liam: (whispering) “Dog ears.”

Now, I Want A Cupcake. Okay, I Wanted One Before Then, Too.


Me: Urban Cookie has the new fall flavors out! You need to try the caramel apple, it’s AMAZING.

Ryan: Everything they make is amazing. They kick Sprinkles’ ass.

Me: Sprinkles is a stupid name, anyway. It’s a name for the world’s shittiest pony.

Ryan: I think my daughter had that My Little Pony.

Me: Was its Cutie Mark a dick?

Ryan: If it was, I’d buy twelve of them.

Me: As long as I get one of them.

Ryan: Fine. Thirteen.

Guys…It Was JUST Rosh Hashanah…Get It Together.


Xavier: “You know how cats lick themselves? They should make lotion for cats that tastes like bacon, so they’ll taste better.”

Me: “So they could lick themselves bald? Or so the dog would decide eating her is a good idea?”

Xavier: “Dream killer.”

Let’s All Just Be Happy I Didn’t Teach Your Toddlers How To Play Craps And Use the F-Word.


Shockingly, my best friend, Tracy and her husband, left me with their 1-year-old twins for the night.  I know…I know…who do you call CPS on first?

Ryan: How’s the babysitting? They’re down for the night, yes?

Me: Sleeping like baby angels!

Ryan: How many times have they checked in?

Me: Just twice.  I did just send them this…

Dear Tracy and Tim,

Thank you for entrusting me with your two perfect babies. We are having a wonderful time. A few notes… First, you might notice that your son now calls you “Mummy” with a British accent. We apologize, Xavier thought it would be funny. Also, your other nephew, Liam has some concerns that my fake theatrical crying (when I stubbed my toe) might have made your daughter develop an ‘overdeveloped sense of schadenfreude’. His words, not mine. Lastly, I hope you don’t mind that your darlings now call raisins by their proper name…”Lies”.

Miss you! Hugs!

Ryan: Okay, two issues…  First, what is your issue with raisins?

Me: They’re the worst things that ever happened.  Overstating?

Ryan: But, they had those really cool commercials in the 80’s.  They had merchandise!

Me: If they were so great, they never would have had to sing and dance. The only reason chocolate advertises, is to keep you from buying OTHER chocolate.

Ryan: Point made.

Me: What’s the other issue, you said there were two issues?

Ryan: Oh, just that they’re never going to leave you alone with their children again.

Me: Agreed.

Now Would Be A Good Time To Try Atkins.


Me: Is it just me, or is this the dirtiest bread name ever?
kneedforseedRyan: Hello, Marketing Department? I don’t think your product name means what you think it means.

Me: Spoiler: Someone in your department likes bread a little TOO much.

Ryan: The secret ingredient?  It ain’t love.  Have you checked the label?

Me: Uh oh…it says it “contains nuts”.

Ryan: That bakery doubles as a fertility clinic.

Me: Well, now we know what happens to the slow swimmers.

Ryan: Remember when carbs were the scariest thing?

Summer’s Eve WISHES They Had My Vinegar Collection


Caolinn: (looking in the fridge) “Okay, why do we have five different kinds of mustard?  No house needs five different kinds of mustard.”

Me: (blank stare)

Caolinn: “What?”

Me: “I don’t know how it happened without me knowing about it, but you were clearly somehow adopted.”

Caolinn: “I can only dream.”

If This Isn’t PMS, Next Week Is Going To Be ROUGH.


My daughter, the soon to be fifteen-year-old, texting me from drama camp…  Note: my daughter and I both have very similar senses of humor, and she knows I think she’s amazing, so don’t send me crazy messages about how we call each other names…we like it…it works for us.

Caolinn: Mom…Mom…Mom

Caolinn: Mom.


Me: For the love of God, what!?

Caolinn: Pizza Hut took the cookie pizza thing from the Domino’s ad and made it into a thing and I need it NOW.

Me: Ha ha!

Caolinn: Mom, I actually need it. Please take me to get one and I’ll give you ALL MY QUARTERS.

Me: Define “need”.

Caolinn: Need as in I’ll die if I don’t get it.  I will legitimately cease to exist.

Me: I’ll think about it, freakshow.

Caolinn: I’m not a freakshow, I’m a trendsetter, Mother, and I’m also hungry and it’s a goddamn cookie pizza.  How do you not see how IMPORTANT this is!?

Me: Jesus Christ…fine…I’ll get you the cookie pizza.


Me: I think when you get home, we need to discuss the impact that drama camp is having on you, and whether this is a good thing for you to be in, or not.

Caolinn: Can’t…breathe…so….happy…

Me: *sigh*

I’m One Sister-Cousin From Being A Straight-Up Hillbilly



Drew: “What are you doing today?”

Me: “I’m skinning lemons to steep in Everclear so I can make my own limoncello.”

Drew: (pause) “You don’t even really drink…and you’re brewing booze.  Is this even legal?”

Me: “I’m sorry…how much drug company money have you taken this year?”

Drew: “Let’s not compare crimes.  While I’m curing pneumonia…you’re moonshining.”


Me: “Want me to send you some?”

Drew: “Duh…you want me to send you some Flonase?”

Me: “Duh”.


Me: “Kettle.”

Drew: “Walter White.”