Fa La La La La La La La Fucking A



As we stood in the middle of a huge community Christmas event, surrounded by wailing and shrieking children.

Caolinn: “I don’t like these sounds.  Mom…I’m tying my tubes.”

Me: “There are just so many of them.”

Caolinn: “Seriously, look at that woman, she has like six kids under six.”

Me: “Maybe instead of passing out candy canes, they need to be passing out condoms.”

Caolinn: “Too far, Mom.”

The Gift That Keeps On Giving. (No, Not Herpes.)


Whilst passing a large display of novelty blankets being hocked on the corner of a busy intersection, with a sign that said, “Just In Time For Christmas.”

Are those Benjamins even correct to the time period of when that movie was filmed?  I'm calling shenanigans on this one!

Are those Benjamins even correct to the time period of when that movie was filmed? I’m calling shenanigans on this one!

Me: “Ooooo, I totally know what I’m getting you for Christmas.”

Caolinn: “Is it wrong that I sort of really want the one of the two unicorns frolicking?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that one was inspired by more drug use than the one of Bob Marley smoking.”

Caolinn: “Well, at least it’s better than the one of the girl with the marijuana leaves in places they shouldn’t be.”

Me: “Caol…”

Caolinn: “Yeah…”

Me: “”Is there a legitimate place where marijuana leaves SHOULD be?”

Caolinn: “According to you, they SHOULD be with the two unicorns frolicking.”

Me: “I love Christmas.”

Caolinn: “Me, too.  Happy birthday, Jesus.”

One More Word And I Show You The Stretchmarks



Xavier: “Can I get a laser tag set for Christmas?”

Me: “No way; no good can come from that.”

Xavier: “Come on!  It’s just lasers!  Nothing bad has ever come from lasers!”

Me: “I’m not about to enter into that debate right now, which, by the way, you wouldn’t win, but I will say that you are not getting a laser tag set.”

Xavier: “Mommmm!”

Me: Are you under the impression that nagging is going to work here?  That might work with your grandma, but it doesn’t work with me.  Do I look like grandma to you?”

Xavier: (pause) “I refuse to answer that question.”

Apparently, someone from children’s publishing now works at Sharpie…


Dear Sharpie,

First, let me start off by saying that I think you make a great product, and your store displays are appealing and really show the full range of your products.  WOW, if you don’t really have some great options in markers!

Now that I’ve buttered you up…we need to talk.  Your marketing department…the ones who made those awesome displays…they need to be fired (Or at least be punished…maybe take away their casual Fridays?).  Again, I think the IDEA is a strong one, but maybe…just maybe…creating a giant white shape, on each of the four sides of your display, so that people could try out your markers, wasn’t such a great idea.  Are you seriously giving the general public a permanent marker and a space on which to use it?  Who did you think was going to take advantage of this opportunity?  Phi Beta Kappas and Baptist Ministers?

Now that having been said…I was shocked at how tame and “public friendly” most of the writing was!  I almost got a warm spot in my heart for the good of mankind!  In fact, it wasn’t until I got to the third side that I saw anything remotely controversial, and it was this:


Not bad, right?  Okay, bad from the perspective of the aforementioned Baptist minister, but not remotely as awful as it could have been.

As I rounded the fourth and last side of the display…that’s when I found it.

To my GREAT surprise…the transgression in question wasn’t the graffiti itself, but the shape that YOUR marketing people chose for the writing area.


Now, look, Sharpie…you’re savvier than this.  You can tell me all you want that this is a megaphone coming OUT of that gentleman’s mouth, but I think we both know that it’s not heading OUT, and it’s certainly no megaphone.  Didn’t you notice the entire marketing department giggling all through the development and design?  Come on!  There is no WAY that they kept a straight face when they were pitching this one.  I do, however, give them credit for choosing an uncircumcised penis, for some international flair.

In closing, I think that if you’re concerned that your store displays will lack dicks…don’t be…someone will surely come along and draw one on your display somewhere, to help you out.

Thank you for listening.


PS…If you look closely, you’ll see a red dick drawn on your display dick.  You’re welcome.