Mother Theresa, I Am Not



Every week, when I pick my daughter up from a class downtown, there are lots of homeless in the area, so, tonight, I bought a bag of burgers to give to someone.

Me: “We’ve been driving around for 30 minutes…and we’ve seen no one.  Where is everybody?”

Caolinn: “Maybe they’ve solved the homeless problem since last week.”

Me: “Doubtful…our state is too busy oppressing the gays.”

Caolinn: “Well, how about that guy?”

Me: “Um…no, he’s coming out of Urban Bean…he’s not homeless, he’s a hipster.  It’s hard to tell them apart sometimes, but a $5 cup of coffee suggests that you have a home to go to.”

Caolinn: “Maybe, when we do finally find someone, it will really be someone magical in disguise, and they’ll reward us for our kindness.”

Me: “What, like a friggin’ genie?  Do you think that we’re getting wishes, here?  We’re trying to be nice and FAILING at it.”

Caolinn: “Not a genie…maybe like Jesus, and he’ll let us go straight to heaven like Mary without really dying.”

Me: “Um…that’s nice, but I have unfinished business here on Earth.”

Caolinn: “Fine, maybe not heaven…maybe he’ll just make us immortal.”

Me: “Let me get this straight…you think that in order to reward us for a bag of McDoubles…Jesus is going to turn us into vampires.”

Caolinn: “Well, it’d be cool.”

Me: “We need to go back to church.”

The Gift That Keeps On Giving. (No, Not Herpes.)


Whilst passing a large display of novelty blankets being hocked on the corner of a busy intersection, with a sign that said, “Just In Time For Christmas.”

Are those Benjamins even correct to the time period of when that movie was filmed?  I'm calling shenanigans on this one!

Are those Benjamins even correct to the time period of when that movie was filmed? I’m calling shenanigans on this one!

Me: “Ooooo, I totally know what I’m getting you for Christmas.”

Caolinn: “Is it wrong that I sort of really want the one of the two unicorns frolicking?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that one was inspired by more drug use than the one of Bob Marley smoking.”

Caolinn: “Well, at least it’s better than the one of the girl with the marijuana leaves in places they shouldn’t be.”

Me: “Caol…”

Caolinn: “Yeah…”

Me: “”Is there a legitimate place where marijuana leaves SHOULD be?”

Caolinn: “According to you, they SHOULD be with the two unicorns frolicking.”

Me: “I love Christmas.”

Caolinn: “Me, too.  Happy birthday, Jesus.”