Let’s All Just Be Happy I Didn’t Teach Your Toddlers How To Play Craps And Use the F-Word.

Shockingly, my best friend, Tracy and her husband, left me with their 1-year-old twins for the night.  I know…I know…who do you call CPS on first?

Ryan: How’s the babysitting? They’re down for the night, yes?

Me: Sleeping like baby angels!

Ryan: How many times have they checked in?

Me: Just twice.  I did just send them this…

Dear Tracy and Tim,

Thank you for entrusting me with your two perfect babies. We are having a wonderful time. A few notes… First, you might notice that your son now calls you “Mummy” with a British accent. We apologize, Xavier thought it would be funny. Also, your other nephew, Liam has some concerns that my fake theatrical crying (when I stubbed my toe) might have made your daughter develop an ‘overdeveloped sense of schadenfreude’. His words, not mine. Lastly, I hope you don’t mind that your darlings now call raisins by their proper name…”Lies”.

Miss you! Hugs!
Megan

Ryan: Okay, two issues…  First, what is your issue with raisins?

Me: They’re the worst things that ever happened.  Overstating?

Ryan: But, they had those really cool commercials in the 80’s.  They had merchandise!

Me: If they were so great, they never would have had to sing and dance. The only reason chocolate advertises, is to keep you from buying OTHER chocolate.

Ryan: Point made.

Me: What’s the other issue, you said there were two issues?

Ryan: Oh, just that they’re never going to leave you alone with their children again.

Me: Agreed.

Meanwhile, Men Everywhere Are Just Hoping For Red Meat And A Blowjob

Ryan: “If you could get anything you wanted for Valentine’s Day, what would you want?”

Me: “I’d want for Jon Stewart to take back his resignation and promise to stay on the Daily Show until the end of time.”

Ryan: (Blank stare.)

Me: (Raised eyebrow.)

Ryan: “Anything else?”

Me: “A unicorn.”

Ryan: “Soooo…tulips and chocolates it is!”

 

Cakes Shaped Like Genitalia Lack The Subtlety Our Family Craves

(In the midst of discovering the wonder that is a Starbucks chocolate cakepop.)

Me: “Oh, my, God, why is this so good!?”

Caolinn: (shrugs)

Me: “I’ve got it…it’s like the world’s most delicious Ding Dong in my mouth.”

Caolinn: *SNORT*

Me: “Shut up.”

 

**For my non-American friends…a “Ding Dong” is both a chocolate cupcake-like thing that will no doubt kill you slowly, and also one of the 4-million terms that America has invented for ‘penis’. Go USA!**