You’re Lucky That Make-Believe Bitch Didn’t Leave You A Check

Waking up the twins this morning…

Me: “Did the Tooth Fairy come?”

Liam: (incredulous look…reaching under his pillow) “Yes…she brought me…a Target gift card?”

Me: “It must be a marketing thing…she’s probably got a corporate sponsorship.”

Liam: (eye roll)

Xavier: (Under his breath) “Or she just got caught without cash again…”

Also, My Pasty Skin Clashes With The Cheese Powder

Me: “I don’t like the super hot Cheetos, they’re too spicy for me.”

Student: “Is it because you’re…you know…Caucasian?”