Liam: “What was the name of that actor who did the Lincoln commercials?”
Xavier: “Matthew McConaughey.”
Liam: “What was he even in? Why is he even famous?”
Xavier: “He was in Interstellar, and grown-up women find him attractive.”
Liam: “Mom, do you find him attractive?”
Me: “You mean Matthew McConagh-heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy.”
Xavier: “Jesus, mother.”
Liam: “That’s NOT fair! I’ve only JUST gotten big enough to sit up front, and you can’t take it every time! We should take turns!”
Caolinn: “I’m leaving home in two years, and then you can sit up here whenever you want!”
Liam: “I’m not waiting TWO YEARS! It’s not fair!”
Caolinn: “You know what isn’t fair? That I have to have a period every month, and someday, I’m going to have to push a baby out of my vagina…that’s what’s NOT fair!”
Liam: “Mom, she’s pulling the uterus card again!”
(After a crazy person almost side swiped me, then cut me off, and when I honked…flipped me off.)
Me: “What the fuck!? That bitch!”
Tracy: “Be nice, she has a handicapped plate.”
Me: “I don’t care if she has a seeing eye dog driving the car, she’s a fucking bitch!”
Tracy: “Maybe she’s a bitch because she’s angry about being disabled.”
Me: “Maybe she’s disabled because she was a fucking bitch and someone pushed her down some stairs!”
Tracy: (pause) “Touche.”
**And before any of you angrily email me, I have dedicated my life to the Individuals With Disabilities Act, and I feel that just as everyone should equal access to services, that everyone has equal access to being an asshole…a privilege which this woman clearly took.**
My former father-in-law’s wife truly means well, but recently emailed both Caolinn and I this long account of how they ran into a fawn, tried to get it help, and then it died anyway. Merry fucking Christmas. Anyway…Caolinn wasn’t impressed.
Caolinn: “Why would she email me, a vegetarian animal lover, a story about how they murdered a baby deer with a Toyota!?”
Me: “Sweetie, I don’t think she meant any harm, but I acknowledge it’s weird.”
Caolinn: “Well, guess who’s not getting a Christmas present from me this year!?”
Me: “Well, the deer, obviously.”
Caolinn: “MOTHER!!!”
Me: Soooo, I got my new plate.
Ryan: You get a good one?
Me: (Sends picture)
Ryan: Haaaaaa! Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
Me: I am NOT keeping these.
Ryan: Are you sure? It’ll make you incredibly popular when you park in the student parking lot.
Me: Jesus fucking Christ.
Ryan: Whatever prisoner printed those is currently laughing his ass off.
Me: Can we be clear that the prisoner in question is PROBABLY a former student of mine?
Ryan: Are you going to order vanity plates now?
Me: The irony is, that if I had tried to order this EXACT plate, the DMV would have rejected my request.
Ryan: What are you going to do?
Me: Ughhhhh…I refuse to spend $50 for vanity plates.
Ryan: Well, then…you only have one option.
Me: Which is?
Ryan: Take them to the DMV, wait in line for a few hours, and then explain to a bureaucrat how you don’t want to advertise that you get “BNRS469”.
Me: FML
Ryan: That would make a much better licence plate.
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 