Sex and the Single Heathen

 

Me: Um…I’m watching that new show You’re the Worst, and it’s borderline porn…it’s amazing.

Ryan: How do I not know about this show?  Ohhhh right, I have kids.

Me: Seriously, you have to DVR it for when they go back to their mom’s.

Ryan: Clearly, you don’t understand that my kids own the DVR.  The last time I looked on that thing, it had 11 taped episodes of “19 Kids and Counting”.

Me: Oh, please save that for when I come over next week, because nothing says ‘hot makeout sesh’ like watching the Duggars and contemplating her clowncar uterus.

Ryan: They’ve probably only done it 19 times.

Me: Yeah, but I’m willing to bet she only felt six of them.

Ryan: Obviously it was the first six, after that she was playing Candy Crush on her phone, over Jim Bob’s shoulder.

Me:  Seriously, what must that bedroom be like?

Ryan: I imagine that they pray during the act,

Me: The only woman in America, who when she yells ‘Jesus’ during sex…is ACTUALLY talking about Jesus.  If you invite the holy spirit while you’re going at it…does that count as a threesome?

Ryan:  I would like to thank you for asking that question via text, so that I’m not next to you when the lightning strikes.

(3 minutes later…)

Ryan: Megan?  MEGAN!?  Please tell me you were letting the dog out, and that you weren’t smited!?  Or is it smote?

Me: Right, because if I’m laying dead on the floor, courtesy of an angry god…grammar matters.

Ryan: I’m glad we agree on this.