A Foot-Long Italian, Indeed.



In telling this story, I am admitting that I am the asshole, sitting on their cell phone while ordering at Subway.  In my defense, my friend, Drew, knew what I was doing, so he was “on hold” the entire time I was ordering.  And by “on hold”, I mean a man who sometimes makes $1200/hr was sitting on my phone, listening to me tell a guy who makes $7.25/hr that, yes, I do want more banana peppers on that.

Me: “That one will be a six-inch teriyaki chicken on wheat, please.”

Subway Guy: “Hey, I’m going to put double meat on it, but don’t worry, I won’t charge you.” (wink)

Me: “Oh…um…thanks, that’s very sweet of you.”

Subway Guy: “Go ahead and grab the large cup, too, it’s hot outside.”

Me: “Oh…are you sure?”

Subway Guy: “Yeah, no problem.  You’re in here a lot.” (wink)

Me: “Well…thank you.”

Drew: “Are you getting mother fucking hit on…AT SUBWAY!?”

Me: (walking out) “What?  No!  He’s like 23!”

Drew: “Megan, I’ve seen you get hit on before…granted, this is the first time it was while the other person was wearing plastic gloves.”

Me: “He was just using good customer service, since I’m in there all the time.”

Drew: “Megan, he just gave you ‘double meat’ for free…how much more literal can he get?  I’m surprised he didn’t offer you the ‘other six inches on the house’.”

Me: “Ew.”

Drew: “He was two seconds from offering to give you something else to ‘eat fresh’.”

Me: “Seriously, ewww…you’re ruining my free sandwich upgrade, here.  He was NOT hitting on me.”

Drew: “They don’t offer me free double meat.”

Me: “Yeah, but you’re rich.  And a dick.”

Drew: “What are you wearing?”

Me: “Now, YOU’RE hitting on me.”

Drew: “No, if I was hitting on you, I’d at least have the intelligence to offer you a free cookie.  Anyone who knows you, knows that you’re only slutty for carbs.”

Me: “Why are we friends, again?”

Drew: “Because I write all your prescriptions for free…which you THINK would get me something, but no.”

Me: “Flonase isn’t sexy.”

Drew: “Right.  But fast food cookies…that’s a ticket to romance.”

Sex toys on a budget…why pay full price!?



Okay, Grouponers, the discount adult toys are on sale again.  (Buzzies on the cheap!) This time, I’m NOT going to judge you for getting your rocks off, on the cheap.  I am however going to judge the living crap out of you for using a “personal massager” so frequently that you require a rechargeable.  Jesus.  If the battery purchases for your big-girl toys are breaking your bank…it’s time to re-evaluate.  Also, I dispute the “Human Touch” label on this thing.  If human men could touch this way, we’d completely stop bitching about…well…everything.

In which I accidentally sexually harass a neighbor…



To preface…the neighbor in question is a questionably employed guy who wears threadbare undershirts on the daily, and who constantly hits on me, only to be instantly rebuffed.  He is, however, the only proximate person I know who has tools, so, ill-advised as it was…I found myself standing in his living room, on a Saturday morning, wearing something that he would probably claim in court was “asking for it”…

Creepy neighbor: “What about this one?” (holding up a screwdriver)

Me: “No, I need a bigger one.”

Creepy neighbor: “Like this?”

Me: “No, I want one that has a fatter head, not one that’s longer.”

Creepy neighbor: (raised eyebrows)

Me: “Yeah, I heard that, too, as it came out of my mouth.”

Creepy neighbor: (smirking)

Me: “Oh.  My.  God.  Just give me the tool, okay?”

Creepy neighbor: “Heh.  Heh.  Heh.”

Me: (facepalm)

Apparently, someone from children’s publishing now works at Sharpie…


Dear Sharpie,

First, let me start off by saying that I think you make a great product, and your store displays are appealing and really show the full range of your products.  WOW, if you don’t really have some great options in markers!

Now that I’ve buttered you up…we need to talk.  Your marketing department…the ones who made those awesome displays…they need to be fired (Or at least be punished…maybe take away their casual Fridays?).  Again, I think the IDEA is a strong one, but maybe…just maybe…creating a giant white shape, on each of the four sides of your display, so that people could try out your markers, wasn’t such a great idea.  Are you seriously giving the general public a permanent marker and a space on which to use it?  Who did you think was going to take advantage of this opportunity?  Phi Beta Kappas and Baptist Ministers?

Now that having been said…I was shocked at how tame and “public friendly” most of the writing was!  I almost got a warm spot in my heart for the good of mankind!  In fact, it wasn’t until I got to the third side that I saw anything remotely controversial, and it was this:


Not bad, right?  Okay, bad from the perspective of the aforementioned Baptist minister, but not remotely as awful as it could have been.

As I rounded the fourth and last side of the display…that’s when I found it.

To my GREAT surprise…the transgression in question wasn’t the graffiti itself, but the shape that YOUR marketing people chose for the writing area.


Now, look, Sharpie…you’re savvier than this.  You can tell me all you want that this is a megaphone coming OUT of that gentleman’s mouth, but I think we both know that it’s not heading OUT, and it’s certainly no megaphone.  Didn’t you notice the entire marketing department giggling all through the development and design?  Come on!  There is no WAY that they kept a straight face when they were pitching this one.  I do, however, give them credit for choosing an uncircumcised penis, for some international flair.

In closing, I think that if you’re concerned that your store displays will lack dicks…don’t be…someone will surely come along and draw one on your display somewhere, to help you out.

Thank you for listening.


PS…If you look closely, you’ll see a red dick drawn on your display dick.  You’re welcome.