I’m One Sister-Cousin From Being A Straight-Up Hillbilly



Drew: “What are you doing today?”

Me: “I’m skinning lemons to steep in Everclear so I can make my own limoncello.”

Drew: (pause) “You don’t even really drink…and you’re brewing booze.  Is this even legal?”

Me: “I’m sorry…how much drug company money have you taken this year?”

Drew: “Let’s not compare crimes.  While I’m curing pneumonia…you’re moonshining.”


Me: “Want me to send you some?”

Drew: “Duh…you want me to send you some Flonase?”

Me: “Duh”.


Me: “Kettle.”

Drew: “Walter White.”

Unless The Question Is, “What Sucks?”, Then Cash Is Always The Answer.




(A text conversation, in which I HOPE autocorrect is to blame.)

Pam: If your students do a presentation for the parents, and the parents get you a thank you…what’s your preference? $10 bouquet flowers or $10 Starbucks card?

Me: Gift card…always the gift card.

Pam: My friend said, ‘flowers are classy’. And I’m thinking fuck classy, three kids in this class ate dicks. The teachers need coffee damn it, not flowers.

Me: Um…what?

Pam: “Are” NOT “ate”!!!

Me: If three kids ate dicks…you’re gonna have to spend more than $10, and might I suggest instead of Starbucks, you put the cash toward some attorney’s fees.