Me: We’re in Nassau. I just snagged beach access at one of the hotels. Which is a bigger asshole American move: Starbucks or a Piña Colada in a coconut shell?
Ryan: Piña Colada. Very ’50’s Mad Men kind of thing. Everyone does Starbucks.
Me: Good call. I’m moving here. Please come.
Ryan: Sure, there are newspapers there. I can add ‘Mon’ to a lot of my stories.
Me: Headline: Water Too Clear
Ryan: Sharks protest clear water, say interferes with theme song terror.
Me: No one gives a shit when they see us, Turtles cry.
Ryan: Turtles demand theme song to give swimmers night terrors.
Me: Turtle King demands unionization.
Ryan: Koch brother’s destroy unionization of turtles, and then take away their healthcare and access to education.
Me: Fuck, that’s scary. I need another drink.
Ryan: Drunk Americans…Are They Ruining Nassau?