So, just before Christmas, we found ourselves adopted by yet another cat. This time, by a giant boy who was dumped outside a friend’s business, and who was desperate to be taken home by just about anyone, so we fit his bill. We love him…which is good, because he’s frankly a mischievous pain in the ass.
Me: So, guess what we found when we got home. tonight?
Ryan: Oh, no, he finally figured out how to open the drawers.
Me: No, thank God. This…
But…if you can’t spell “Clinic”…you don’t get to touch my dog’s balls.
My former father-in-law’s wife truly means well, but recently emailed both Caolinn and I this long account of how they ran into a fawn, tried to get it help, and then it died anyway. Merry fucking Christmas. Anyway…Caolinn wasn’t impressed.
Caolinn: “Why would she email me, a vegetarian animal lover, a story about how they murdered a baby deer with a Toyota!?”
Me: “Sweetie, I don’t think she meant any harm, but I acknowledge it’s weird.”
Caolinn: “Well, guess who’s not getting a Christmas present from me this year!?”
Me: “Well, the deer, obviously.”
Caolinn: “MOTHER!!!”
As we were walking up to Turf Paradise, the local horse racing track…
Liam: “Every time we come here, there’s a plastic bag flying around the parking lot.”
My mother: “Maybe that’s a sign we should bet on a horse with ‘plastic’ or ‘bag’ in its name.”
Liam: “Or maybe it’s just a sign that people should start recycling, but okay.”
Me: I FOUND THEM IN BED TOGETHER!!!
Tracy: Again, I find myself asking you…are you talking about your animals, or are you talking about Ryan?
Me: My animals.
Tracy: Again, this just got way less interesting.
Me: Would you prefer I caught Ryan in bed with someone?
Tracy. No. But then, at least I’d have someone to stab.
Me: I’m calling your mom.
Tracy: Now I’m going to stab you.
As you may know, we’ve unexpectedly become cat owners, which has been pretty fine for us, but integrating Sully, the dog, has been a little more harrowing, and I’ve been getting a lot of advice on the matter from friends, who are probably REALLY tired of dealing with my stupidity on the subject.
(Texting)
Me: Best day ever!
Tracy: Why?
Me: He licked the kitty!!! HE LICKED THE KITTY!!!
Tracy: Before I respond, can we clarify something. Are you talking about your animals…or is this about you and Ryan?
Me: The animals.
Tracy: Sigh. This conversation just got 100% more boring.
Guys…last night we found a young cat who appears stray, just as a dust storm was coming…soooo, now, I seem to own a cat. While I’ve certainly been around cats, I’ve never even considered owning one, so this creature in my house, is no less baffling and exotic to me, as if I had taken in a fully grown Rhino.
I apologize for what will surely be WEEKS of cat posts.
Me: Guess who didn’t sleep a wink last night! (Note: there may be more than one correct answer.)
Ryan: I’m guessing the cat, your daughter, and YOU!
Me: DING! DING! DING!
Ryan: Yay! I win! What’s my prize?
Me: A cat!!!
Ryan: I’d like an opportunity to change my answer.
And that’s how Jeff became the most popular boy at Amherst. (yes, I wiki-ed where he went to college…sue me)
Xavier: “Who’s Jeff Corwin?”
Me: “He has a show where he does animal stuff.”
Xavier: “So…he has a show where he sniffs butts and poops on the lawn?”
Me: “Shut it, Smart Aleck.”
Xavier: *giggling*
Me: “I’m looking at my blog stats, and someone from Oman has been reading the crap out of my blog.”
Tracy: “Oman?”
Me: “Right!?”
Tracy: “Someone from Oman is reading your blog?”
Me: “Italy, South Africa, Australia, UK, Canada, a few other places…but Oman is making a serious showing.”
Tracy: “You think this is a good thing? Have you READ your blog? You’re completely offending people on a global scale now. People in other countries now know that you want to kill off pandas and have you have your bush waxed, and you’re happy about that?”
Me: “Yeah?”
Tracy: “Okay, but don’t complain when China stops letting our zoos have those fat bastards because they’re afraid of us.”
Me: “Yes, but that serves my purpose. Just think of all the money I can save our country, that they would have been spending trying to make pandas horny.”
Tracy: “Yeah…you’re a national hero.”
************************************************************
If you’ll allow me to nerd out just a little bit. The fact that this blog has been read in over 30 countries makes me happier than I can possibly express. It’s amazing how small the world has gotten, and how we’re all so accessible to each other and our ideas. The fact that ANYBODY is reading this is rather amazing, but, truly, reading my blog stats, every day, and seeing hits from other countries…that’s a special little thrill.
Totally awkward and slightly too long hugs…
-Meg
Fisticuffs and Shenanigans 