Damn It, WordPress…You’re Making Me More Insane Than I Already Was






***Guys something weird happened with this post today, when I scheduled it to hit later in the day, and it didn’t allow comments, etc, so I’m re-posting.  Not that you WANTED to comment, but fuck if I know.***


Me: “Okay, what did we learn the three states of matter are?”

Class: “Solids, Liquids, and Gasses!”

Me: “Awesome! Now, which state is generally the coldest?”

Student: “Alaska!”

Me: *facepalm*

Unwittingly, I’ve Given Birth To A Vanderbilt




(Clearly, this conversation took place BEFORE we left…)

My mother: “I forgot to pack my hair dryer.”

Me: “Mom, it’s a four-star boat…they have hair dryers.”

Caolinn: “Four?  What happened to the fifth star?”

Me: (incredulous look) “Caol, the last time someone in this family crossed an ocean…it was in steerage.  Forget about the fifth star, and be happy you’re not getting cholera.”


Son, Costco Doesn’t Make Enough Toilet Paper To Manage THAT Asshole



(The night before we left…)

Liam: “Why aren’t we going to Russia?”

Me: “Huh?”

Liam: “We’re going to be right next to it when we’re in Alaska, so why aren’t we going there?”

Me: “Dude…did you just Palin me?  In my own house!?”

Awwww, Fuck…Here Comes The Slideshow…


These trees are totally flipping me off, aren’t they?

Okay, I will preface this by saying that this is NOT like my usual posts, so if you’re new…skip this shit, this is for the people who emailed me for pictures.  If you look ANYWHERE else on this blog, it’s nothing but dick jokes and stories about delightfully obnoxious children (although those are never in the SAME post…we’re not monsters).  In fact…I’ll post something typical immediately after, so as not to confuse people into thinking this is now a travel blog.




Seriously, how is anything this awesome even allowed…

2. Glacier Bay




If I heard Caolinn sing My Heart Will Go On, one more time, I was going to strangle her.

3. Hubbard Glacier





It’s hard to get the full impact from these, but Hubbard Glacier is 6 miles wide (and over 70 miles long, stretching into Canada), and 250 ft ABOVE the surface of the water.  Every few minutes some of it calves off in the front.  The last time it happened before we left (pictured above), it was huge.  And, yes, the entire ship cheered…for global warming.




It could just be my being judgmental, but when naming a whorehouse, maybe pick something more vagina-complimentary?  This just makes me think you need a crate of soap and some broad-spectrum antibiotics.

5. IMG_0313 IMG_0320Um…can go for a thousand miles with no sleep, loves his dogs, AND has a sense of humor?  Well, hello, Sir…I’d like you to be the source of numerous future mistakes…




They’re the pigeons of Alaska.


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Seriously…whales and reindeer.  WHALES…AND REINDEER…  How is this even happening?




Our last day at sea, our ship responded to a distress call from a Canadian fishing vessel.  Before it was all over, there were five boats in the water, a plane parachuting medics, and the helo doing the extraction.  Canadian Coast Guard…you kick ass.


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And now I’m back in 112 degrees…sigh.


I’m More Scared Of My Friends, Than I am Some Random Crackhead



Drew: “Hey, don’t tell anybody you’re going out of town on Facebook.”

Me: “Why, I have a housesitter, nosy neighbors who don’t work, and an alarm system.”

Drew: “Still.”

Me: “Drew, what are they going to steal?  The only things I have of any value are going with me to Alaska.  Are they going to make off with my 80lb TV that still has a picture tube, or my three copies of Zoolander?”

Drew: “You have three copies of Zoolander?”

Me: “Want one?”

Drew: “No.  And what if someone breaks in and isn’t looking to rob you?”

Me: “Huh?”

Drew: “What if it’s just some pervert who wants to…I don’t know…break in and jack-off on your bed, or something?”

Me: “Well, two things.  One, I’m never giving YOU a house key, pervert.  Two, I guess I’m washing my sheets when we get back.