I’m Just A Little Slackery This Year.


Okay, this is truly pathetic…I mean to post this when it happened in March, so bear with me, and pretend that it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and excuse me for being, apparently, so drunk that I’m just getting around to hitting the ‘publish’ button.

Me: (Sending picture)12733386_10208132405763596_7973043262048863464_n

Ryan: Lick of the Irish?  That sounds like the makings of an excellent evening.

Me: This is why we’re together.

(Five minutes later…)

Ryan: Order whatever you want on it, the kids will eat it.

Ryan: Damn it, disregard, this is what happens when I text you and my mom at the same time.  She and I were trying to figure out what kind of pizza to order for dinner.

Me: Just be happy you texted me about pizza, and didn’t text her about your cunnilingus skills.

Ryan: Yeah, nothing kills the mood more than talking to your mom about giving head.  That’s the anti-viagra.

Me: That will never be on a Cialis ad.

Ryan: If it were, it would be two side-by-side bathtubs with one of them falling over a cliff.

Let’s All Just Be Happy I Didn’t Teach Your Toddlers How To Play Craps And Use the F-Word.


Shockingly, my best friend, Tracy and her husband, left me with their 1-year-old twins for the night.  I know…I know…who do you call CPS on first?

Ryan: How’s the babysitting? They’re down for the night, yes?

Me: Sleeping like baby angels!

Ryan: How many times have they checked in?

Me: Just twice.  I did just send them this…

Dear Tracy and Tim,

Thank you for entrusting me with your two perfect babies. We are having a wonderful time. A few notes… First, you might notice that your son now calls you “Mummy” with a British accent. We apologize, Xavier thought it would be funny. Also, your other nephew, Liam has some concerns that my fake theatrical crying (when I stubbed my toe) might have made your daughter develop an ‘overdeveloped sense of schadenfreude’. His words, not mine. Lastly, I hope you don’t mind that your darlings now call raisins by their proper name…”Lies”.

Miss you! Hugs!

Ryan: Okay, two issues…  First, what is your issue with raisins?

Me: They’re the worst things that ever happened.  Overstating?

Ryan: But, they had those really cool commercials in the 80’s.  They had merchandise!

Me: If they were so great, they never would have had to sing and dance. The only reason chocolate advertises, is to keep you from buying OTHER chocolate.

Ryan: Point made.

Me: What’s the other issue, you said there were two issues?

Ryan: Oh, just that they’re never going to leave you alone with their children again.

Me: Agreed.

Once Daily Cialis…Fighting For Boners…Two Side-By-Side Bathtubs At A Time



(Before you accuse me of an ethnic slur…I’m Italian…I’m allowed.  Also, it’s a total compliment to the male half of my people…)

Standing in my parent’s kitchen, overhearing yet another advertisement for erectile dysfunction medication…

Caolinn: “My heart isn’t healthy enough for sexual activity.”

Me: “Good, because my heart isn’t healthy enough for you to have sexual activity.”

My Dad: “What are you guys talking about in there?”

Together: “Nothiiiiiiiing.”

When He Goes To Jail, I Hope Someone Sexually Violates Him With A Spring Roll


If you’re American, and you don’t live in a fucking cave, then you’ve heard about Ray Rice roughly every fifteen seconds, for the last month, and not for enviable reasons. So imagine my surprise, when I open my email, this morning, and I see an email entitled “Rice Is Nice!”  Whaaaa?  Who sent this, the She-Was-Askin’ -For-It Society?  Nope…just an ad for Pei Wei, in which they either have the WORST timing of all time, or they’re trying to remind us that before Rice was synonymous with wife-beating…that we found it rather delicious with reheated, faux-Asian shrimp dishes.



Nice work, Pei Wei.  Maybe next week you’ll get lucky and a TNT factory will explode, causing countless casualties, so you can get more attention for your Thai Dynamite Chicken.

Mom, This Is Why You Should Be Glad *I* Couldn’t Text At 14.



Caolinn: OMG I just saw an ad for car loans, and the storyline was that this nerdy white kid was trying to pick up this 40-year-old lady on a street corner in a crappy car, and he says, ‘Car ruined my game’, so he gets a loan and winks at the camera with the woman in his new car. WHAT. EVEN.  He looks twelve and she was this middle-aged, independent black woman who had been throwing him some appropriate sass, and now is IN HIS CAR.  WHAT IS HAPPENING!? America!? Feminism!?

Me: What in the holy hell are you watching?

Caolinn: I have no idea.  I was watching Teen Wolf and right in the middle of it, the commercial break took a really weird turn.

Me: To be clear…in a show about a werewolf who plays high school basketball…things took a really weird turn.

Caolinn: I don’t have time to explain these things to you, Mother.