A few weeks ago, I broke my toe at work, so I’ve been forced to wear one of those ridiculous boots to protect it while it’s healing.

Student: “How’s your toe?”

Me: “Better, but today, I have this weird burning pain.”

Student: “You should take Adderol.”

Me: “So I can really buckle down and focus on how much it hurts?”

Student: “Oh, sorry, I meant Demerol.”

Me: “We’re going to need to have a conversation about your knowledge of prescription medications, one of these days.”

Captain Obvious…Behavioral Analyst.

(While discussing a student, after I did an observational study on him.)
Principal: “So…what do you think is going on with him?”
Me: “Well…I don’t want to say that he has ADHD, but if he doesn’t, he just gave an extremely powerful, seven-hour-long, interpretative dance performance, using little more than classroom furniture and some school supplies.”

Better Living Through Chemistry

Note: You don’t have to tell me that you’re off your meds…I already know because I’m psychic…and because I’m a brilliant behavioral analyst with years of experience and training….and also because you’re doing cartwheels while barking.

My would-be drug dealer texts me…



Britta: So what’s going on with the boy?

Me: He’s coming home a week early from vacation, and we’re hanging out Wednesday.

Britta: I’ll need details.  Nervous?

Me: A little.

Britta: Take one of your Ativan.

Me: I don’t have any Ativan.  I have ADDEROL…lol…I don’t think being able to clean his entire house is a good move.

Britta: I got a bunch when my mom was passing, I might have extra.  They’re great, you’ll be super relaxed.

Me: I don’t need tranquilizers!  I need to take a deep breath, not take a shit on his couch.

Britta: LOL…true…well, if you change your mind.

Me: Sure, if I want to take a shit on his couch, I’ll give you a ring.