George Lucas…Trying To Undo All The Boners He Created With Leia’s Gold Bikini


(Yet another late night text conversation with Ryan that goes awry.)

Ryan: Morgan just informed me that she’s never having children, because Star Wars 3 freaked her out.

Me: She should be more freaked out about how awful that movie was, but maybe, as a father, that’s an enviable position for you to be in.  “That’s right, Morgan…SEX KILLS.”

Ryan: It’ll be like when C. Everett Koop said it, and ruined the sex lives of all American teenagers throughout the 80’s.  Never trust a man with a beard, but no mustache.  It’s unnatural.

Me: Yes, the 80’s…where we all kept it in our pants for fear of death and I owned two pairs of jelly shoes.

Ryan: Nice. Parachute cargo pants. I owned three pairs in different colors.

Me: OMG.  I’m dating you.

Ryan: Oh, but I looked goooooooooooood.

Me: I think we just found the real reason you couldn’t lose your virginity in the 80’s.



What Doesn’t Kill You…Makes You Snarkier.


My daughter has recently expressed an interest in horror movies, and being that she’s approaching 15 and thus unlikely to wind up sleeping in my bed for six months because of psychological trauma, I let her watch Poltergeist with me, for the first time.

(Two seconds into the movie…)

Caolinn: “Why does that TV look like that?”

Me: “It has a picture tube…TVs used to weigh like a hundred pounds.”

Caolinn: “Why is that phone on the wall?  You can’t move.”

Me: “Welcome to the 80’s, Caol.”

Caolinn: “Why is the TV all fuzzy?”

Me: “Because at night, the stations used to stop programming around midnight.  They’d play the national anthem, and then just stop broadcasting.”

Caolinn: “Seriously…the scariest thing about this movie is how you guys used to live.  PLEASE tell me there is going to be something dead in this movie, aside from the technology.”