Yeah, yeah, yeah…I’ve been slacking with the writing, but I’m going to defend myself and say that I’ve been tied up with Christmas, getting back to work, and my ex-husband holding my children for ransom. True story.
Anyhoo, one of you, and you know who you are, emailed me, asking if I’d secretly won the lottery and had taken off for parts unknown. Another of you emailed asking if I was “Seriously dead or just sitting in an asylum and haven’t earned internet privileges, yet”. I think we can all agree that the second option is far more likely.
Regardless…if any of the following things happen, you’ll know who won the Powerball.
- A huge animal rescue opens, called “Megan’s Big Bitches (and boy dogs, too)”.
- Sully gets to have his balls back. Don’t ask how…it’s just going to happen.
- Underwires? Now unbreakable. You’re welcome.
- Tina Fey is on a lifetime retainer to do this, every time one of my children fails to follow a direction already given fifteen times.
- My new legal name: “Thelonious McWhiskeydick”.
- An army of drones will follow Donald Trump to all public events, dropping piles of dildos on him.
- Unicorns become an actual fucking thing.
- Ryan is now at the helm of a privately owned newspaper, whose only purpose is to campaign for increased teacher salaries and talk about how sexually inadequate all my exes were.
- This blog starts delivering chocolate bars, Willy Wonka style.
10. Oprah Winfrey names me one of her new favorite things.
39 thoughts on “I Know, Guys…I Suck, But Tomorrow, I Might Suck AND Be Rich”
I really want you to win, solely to see #6 come to fruition.
Alas…numbers are in. Trump will be dildoless. DAMN IT.
That’s OK. I won. So we can still make it happen.
It’s worth my losing if you do that, because then we ALL win.
Thanks for the morning laugh
Awww…ruining other continents. My day is complete. 🙂
You´re a humanitarian
Person who eats humans? Yes, yes, I am. 🙂
No! I wanted to say, humanitarainman, you know “rainman” no the movie, as in the song “its rining man, halleluyah!”
And now that’s in my head. Bastard. 🙂
My roman name is actually Bastardus, I´m next in line to the emperor Calígula.
Good, so now I can say I have tortured a human at 6:30 a.m, my time zone that is.
Hey! I’ve missed you. Normally my annual summer holiday adventures are punctuated with giggles when reading your escapades, so I’m glad to have you here with me now.
Tans!!! I’ve been preoccupied and slacky. Sigh. I’ll get back on the wagon. How’s break?
Awesome….once again we ran away from Australia’s heat and spent a couple of days in Paris, NYE in Helsinki, traced the Grimm Brothers fairy tale route through Germany and now having RED time in the UK with friends (RED = relax / eat / drink 😉). Have I blogged about this? Nope…..slackness is contagious 😉
And I’m Typhoid Mary of slack. Sounds AMAZING. So jealous! 🙂
Hey McWhiskeydick, Oprah should name you one of her favorite things whether you win or not. But I do hope you win. And that you send me a lot of money, because, well, Trent.
Alas, it wasn’t me. Three tickets, and none sold in AZ. Sigh. Back to being one of Optah’s most mediocre things.
Thelonious McWhiskeydick, ladies and gentlemen.
How about a big hand for Thelonious McWhiskeydick…
*crowd claps slowly, in total confusion*
#8 made me laugh out loud and spew my coffee. I am glad you are back, I missed you (and if ever tell anyone that I will punch you in the tit). Please post about your ex holding your kids ransom.
At some point I may write about it, but frankly the whole situation is so completely ridiculous. And I’ve missed you, too, but if you punch me in the tit, I’m going to kick you in the Jimmy. Lol
Well do it up here in Canada so we won’t have to pay any medical bills.
Sorry. I didn’t mean to rub it in.
Thank god the “eye pad” is gone. We could start a Go Fund Me campaign for Trumps dildos. I bet we’d be pleasantly surprised about how well it would do.
I am not shitting you in the least when I say I’m now SERIOUSLY considering this. Lol
OH MY GOD. After losing my precious Stuart last month to a nasty canine cancer and losing my main source of income on Monday morning – done over the phone by the way, which, I guess, I better than by email – THIS MADE ME SPIT OUT MY COFFEE. Something you’re exceptionally good at making me do. Thanks for the levity. Boy, I needed that.
First, sending you the BIGGEST hugs. I’m so, so sorry. Secondly, thank you. Thirdly, make #11 that I would have used the money to cure cancer. Because it needs to be GONE. 🙂
You ain’t kiddin’ sista. C needs to be gone. GONE. OUT! OUT! DAMNED SPOT!!! Sorry. Yikes.
At the risk of sounding like a tween girl…I am SO OVER cancer.
Hey. Losing a dog and a job is a seriously shit way to start a year. Bulk sympathies, dude. But it’s all upside from here.
I really like dogs with people names. It says a lot about their owners.
My favourite is a black Shar Pei called Mavis. She has eyes that don’t quite point in the same direction and she radiates confusion, joy and hilarity all at the same time.
That, my friend, sounds like a kickass dog. And you’re right. Pets are people, but better. They’re us without the selfishness and bullshit, and they should be honored for the superior creatures that they are.
Note: I will one day get an English Bulldog with a horrendous underbite, and I want to name her “Maybelline”. #lifegoals
Meglymc, especially if Maybelline is a boy dog… Begging the question “Why can’t you be true ?”
Willy Wonka scared me so bad as a kid! I thought I was the only one who realized that movie was as much murder as merrymaking
Seriously, Roald Dahl was a monster.
FYI Our fellow citizens have been sending dildos to those dicks up in the bird sanctuary in OR, and its making them crazier.. Loving it…
My mother approves of sending dicks through the mail. My work here is done.
god i’ve missed you. happy new year. i didn’t win the powerball either so it’s kinda already sucking.
OMG!!! Where have you been!? I’ve missed you!!!